Journey: A letter 2 Ovarian Cancer

My love/hate relationship with Cancer...

2010-06-17T08:37:00.006-04:00

So I took an unintentional hiatus and although I didn't plan it, I believe it was suppose to happen. I'm playing a secret game of tug or war with Ovarian Cancer. It's always been a love hate relationship but lately it's been more of a "I'm just going to pretend you don't exist" type of relationship.

I was watching The Celebrity Apprentice a few weeks ago and Sharon Osbourne(Rocker Mom, Wife of Rock-star Ozzy Osbourne and Colon Cancer Survivor) said something that really struck a cord with me. When asked why it was so important for her to win Celebrity Apprentice, she admitted that it was because she felt like she owed a debt that she had to repay. She promised that she would do everything she could to raise awareness and money for Colon Cancer if her life was spared.

There's a big part of me that feels the same way. I feel like I'm not doing my part or pulling my weight in the fight against Ovarian Cancer. I'm losing my zest and that makes me sad.

I just had my 4-month check-up, my CA125 is slightly elevated. At 13 it's well within normal range, my doctor didn't seem concerned...me on the other hand had a bit of a pit in my stomach and I still do. I went to an outside lab for my blood work instead of getting it done at the hospital where I normally do, so I'm thinking that could have been a factor. Who knows...I go back in 3-months, I choose 3 instead of 4...it makes me feel like I've got some control...a rarity with this disease.

I think I have to get back on the wagon, when I was ACTIVELY doing something I definitely felt better. It helped me to make sense of this senseless disease. Without that, I've become increasingly angry and resentful, not a good look at all!

MIA from Cancer...

2010-04-27T03:24:00.006-04:00

Let's see...over the past month that I've been MIA from cancer, I forgot I had jury duty, I haven't gotten my port flushed in a really long time, I planned and hosted a 9 year old birthday party, I've been enjoying life and feeling a little guilty because I'm becoming so far removed from my mission.

First off, I NEVER miss jury duty, I LOVE it...it's a perfect time to just do nothing and when doing nothing is acceptable. I could probably become a career jury duty lady of leisure, how fantastic that would be! The port flush is another story, my doctors office changed the the policy for getting flushes and it's sooooooo daunting, so I've chosen the high road. I simply tuck it away in that little part of brain where things go to hang out when I don't want to deal with them, only revisiting often enough to say, "I need to get my port flush, I keep forgetting"...ha ha. After that little moment, away it goes again...until we meet again.

It's amazing how far removed from my cancer diagnosis I am, yet how close we remain. It's like that friend you don't have to speak to for years, yet when you do...it's like riding a bike, we pick up right where we left off. I still can't believe that was me, bald and rocking it, chemo bound and scared out of my mind. I don't ever want to lose my connection with cancer, I hate her...but I love who I've become because of her. There are those moments like today that I still get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. We stopped by a sports bar near home for some wings and a memory came racing back to me. It was a few days before my first surgery, a few days before my word would change forever. We went to watch a football game at the bar and I was so sick to my stomach, we had to leave early. I wanted no food, I really wanted to get rid of the nausea that plagued me, and I wanted whatever was growing inside me to go away. Even as I write this, the tears are flowing...I'm okay now, yet there was a real chance I wouldn't be.

I've got to get back on the wagon. I've got to continue to speak out and speak loud about this RIDICULOUS disease!! More to come on that...I pray that whatever your journey is, that you are navigating your way through with the love and support of more people than you can handle, enjoying and living in the moment!

Life's been good...good and busy!!

2010-04-14T11:46:00.006-04:00

Busy, Busy, Busy...it has been a busy few weeks. So busy that I'm wayyyyyyyyyy overdue for my port flush, I'm slowly but surely leaving cancer in the dust!

So much to tell...let's start with the annual "Teal Magnolia Luncheon", which I attended on Saturday March 27th. Teal Magnolia is a luncheon hosted by the Ovarian Cancer Alliance of Florida...the lovely group of women who do so much for the education and awareness of Ovarian Cancer. It's so nice to see so many people come out in support of this not so silent disease, I am humbled and inspired by all of my sisters who are fighting this disease. It's also nice to see my nurses and doctors outside of the hospital or chemo room. You put your trust & life in the hands of these individuals for months and in some cases years, I remain grateful to them all for the care I received and the care the continue to dole out to others.

The hard part about the luncheon for me is always coming face to face with my sisters who are still in the fight, those who continue to go through recurrence after recurrence. It's interesting, when I was first diagnosed I remember saying on more than one occasion "Why me?"...now I find myself saying "why them?"...haven't they been through enough? It's a great reminder that the fight is not over and that I'm fighting for me and all of those who aren't up to the fight.

The other highlight of my time away from my blog has been the release of the movie I worked on last summer "Letters To God". It's a story of hope. The story of an eight-year old boy in the fight of his life with cancer and while fighting he manages to inspire all of those around him. It's a bit of a tear-jerker but it's an even bigger message of hope. If you're reading this blog, I'm asking you to take your friends and family to see "Letters To God". Whether you are Christian or not, we need more people to wake up and think about someone other than themselves. Life's too short and we must enjoy every moment that we have here...when I think of all of the children who are suffering and who have yet to LIVE life, I think who am I to complain?

For more information on "Letters To God", please visit www.letterstogodthemovie.com.

Ovarian Cancer: Making the Best of It | You and Me Magazine

2010-04-02T17:55:00.002-04:00

Ovarian Cancer: Making the Best of It | You and Me Magazine

Posted using ShareThis

Here's the article...

I've been published...sort of:)

2010-03-30T17:25:00.007-04:00

Here's a link to an article I wrote last year...it's finally made it's way to the world wide web. It's weird reading something that I wrote so long along, it still feels very real and accurate:)

Enjoy!!

http://tinyurl.com/ylbzml9

You have a pre-existing condition...no life insurance for you

2010-03-26T12:59:00.005-04:00

The past few weeks have been pretty busy in a good way, but the main reason I've been away for so long is that I just didn't know what to say. The coverage of the health care debate has literally given me hot-flashes, it frustrates me to no end. I feel completely powerless. Even when I was going through treatment for Ovarian Cancer I felt like I had power. Yes, cancer was attacking my body...but I still had my mind and where my body was failing me, I could always rely on my mind to catch me when I fell.

We definitely need REFORM, there's no question about that. Prime example---I received a call yesterday from an insurance broker regarding my business. His records showed that I had recently started a small business and he wanted to know if my insurance needs had been met. I let him know that I had business insurance and health insurance(if my husband loses his job, then that's another story). He then asked about life insurance...annoyed that I'm not eligible for life insurance, I seized the moment...I took out my frustration on him. I let him know that I'm not eligible for life insurance because I have a pre-existing condition, his response..."oh okay, thank you so much". Unbelievable....

Deep down I know that the passing of the health care bill was historical. I also know that it's the furthest we've ever got in the movement. I know all of this, yet I still feel defeated. My concerns lie with the concessions we had to make to get there. Anyone with pre-existing conditions should be eligible for affordable/quality health care. You should still be able to feed your family and put a roof over their heads without worrying about how you're going to afford health care coverage. Children with pre-existing conditions will be eligible for heath insurance without being discriminated against once the bill becomes active, adults will have to wait a few years and in the interim they will be placed into a high-risked pool with other's just like them. If you do not have insurance, you will be required to purchase it at an affordable rate and family's who meet certain income levels will be eligible for a tax credit to help offset the cost. Last I checked, many of us are living paycheck to paycheck and are one check away from poverty. Where is this extra money coming from to purchase "affordable quality insurance"?

The argument that people die waiting for medical attention in the UK and Canada as a reason why we shouldn't have a public option doesn't fly with me. Mainly because people die while waiting for medical attention here in the US as well, but people seem to turn a blind eye to that. Maybe people turn a blind eye because the majority of people affected by this happen to be people who don't have advocates, people who live below the poverty level...people who aren't deemed a valuable part of our society.

Here's a link to the White House website where they've provided details on the reform and what it will mean to us...

http://www.whitehouse.gov/health-care-meeting

Check it out, education is power and keeping ourselves educated helps to control the rumor mill!! I have no problem with those who share their opinion, we're entitled to do that and guess what, our opinions don't have to match our neighbors and we can still get along. That's the beauty of free speech! What bothers me is when people share their opinion, present it as gospel, and haven't done a bit of homework to educate themselves. That's when the hot-flashes kick in and I stop listening.

Memory Lane...

2010-02-21T10:35:00.008-05:00

Yesterday I took a trip down memory lane, literally and figuratively. After FINALLY seeing the movie "Precious", which if you haven't seen it...I suggest you do. It was both amazing and disturbing. Above all, It delivered with some of the best performances of the year! Okay, back to my trip down memory lane...We brought our house 3 years ago this month, newly married, pre-cancer and back when l thought I was invincible. There was a house we looked at and came close to buying(in my husbands mind only)...we decided to try and find that house. Don't ask me how but we found it, I guess my memory isn't as bad as I thought it was and the days of blaming chemo brain appear to be over:) I won't go into details, but let's just say this. We are all where we should be in life and there's a reason we didn't settle on that house...what a nightmare that would have been. The one thing i will say is, it's a AMAZING how different a place can change in 3 years. We almost doubled back a few times because things were quite different. We had a lot of "I don't remember that building, that wasn't here" moments.

Keeping in line with revisit the past Saturday, someone how I ended up in a conversation with my BFF about D DAY aka DIAGNOSIS Day...every time I think back to that day it brings back a flood of emotions. But what it also does is keep me grounded and appreciative for all that I have. After Dan(the grim reaper) broke the news, I remember my friend April calling while I was still groggy and out of it, yet I remember telling her it was cancer and asking her if she could she please call Tasha (the BFF I referred to earlier and tell her)...see talking to Tasha would have made the situation so much worst...I knew she wouldn't handle it well and that was something I couldn't deal with at the time. Yesterday we laughed about just how well she didn't handle it and although not funny at the time, it feels good to revisit that time with a much lighter attitude!!!

Running towards the future...sort of

2010-02-17T09:07:00.007-05:00

Are you cranky, moody, afraid to place one foot in front of another? Scared to commit to things or events a day away, a week away and let's not even discuss a month away? Do you find yourself using the future of your health as a direct correlation between things that manifest in your life and things that don't? If you've answered yes to any of these questions it confirms that you suffer from "It's Check-up Time, OH PLEASE LET IT BE GOOD NEWS" syndrome. This is how I handle my check-ups. While I'm making tremendous progress in the area of LIVING everyday, the days leading up to my check-up are still a work in progress. For instance, I've been trying to secure something for work that would take my business to the next level...when it didn't come through...I went there. Yes, you know where...to the place of no return. I rationalized the fact that things didn't come through because Mr. Recurrence was waiting for me just around the corner. When will I stop doing that? When will Mr. Recurrence take a hike once and for all?

Even at my appointment yesterday, I couldn't control my blood pressure. I never can. Just getting on the scale stresses me out and to make matters worst...just as I was getting on the scale the lab girl blurts out that my CA125 was 6. Seriously!! Those are the words every woman who's had Ovarian Cancer wants to hear, yet I wasn't ready for them...not knowing whether to laugh or cry...I simple ran up my blood pressure...Unbelievable!!. This my friends is what happens when you leave me alone with my thoughts. They runaway from me. If I'm really lucky, I can catch them before they cause serious bodily harm to me or anyone in my path.

Nothing is promised to any of us, yet those of us with "pre-existing conditions" work hard to put our past behind us and and run towards our future. I'm getting my track shoes on now...

Another check-up down, I'll see you in June!!!

Check-up time-T minus 4 days

2010-02-11T14:22:00.005-05:00

It's that time again. You know what time. Check up time. Four months already. These are the quickest four months ever. I went in for my CA125 blood test this week and the wait the begins. The reality of the situation has reared it's ugly head once more. This is especially hard when there are so many great things going on for me right now and so many plans I've set in motion. So much so that my mind won't rest until I know that I'm all clear. Living life in 4-month interval's is not my idea of fun, but it's my hand and I'm dealing.

I plan on asking the good doctor about my port or my socket as Dan calls it (gotta love his humor). I still have it and from what I've been told they are reluctant to take it based on the high recurrence rate of OVCA. Truthfully I think it depends on the doctor and individual...so we'll see.

Oh yeah, I'm on weight watchers aka I'm watching my weight:) Apparently I don't know how to stop eating on my own, I needed an intervention...so WW is now my friend. So far my friend has helped me lose about 6 pounds and what's really awesome is that I only have a bunch more to go!! The program works if you work it!!! I still have a hard time understanding how when most people lose weight during cancer treatments, I managed to gain...gain the equivilent of a small child...UNBELIEVABLE!! One day at a time that's all I can do...that's how I'm living!!!

Jeff Probst remembers 'Survivor: Palau' contestant Jennifer Lyon

2010-02-05T11:01:00.000-05:00

I didn't know Jennifer Lyon and I didn't start watching Survivor until after her season, but this is the most beautiful tribute I've ever read. Jenn was a true SURVIVOR in every since of the word. Thank you Jeff Probst for sharing with the world this beautiful lesson.

Jeff Probst remembers 'Survivor: Palau' contestant Jennifer Lyon

Happy Blog-A-Versary to me!!

2010-02-01T10:14:00.007-05:00

So this is my 100th post!! Happy blog-A-versary to me!!! I'm so not a diary/journal gal...what I loved most about keeping a diary as a kid was looking at and hiding the shiny gold key it came with...the key to my secret thoughts. Yet, without fail and after one or two half entries, that shiny gold key and the diary it belonged always became a distant memory. This pattern of start-stop-toss was something that I carried for years...so this my friends is my first successful diary experience and I'm ever so grateful for it!!

I named this blog---Journey-A letter 2 Ovarian Cancer, because I started off really angry. I wanted to give ovarian cancer a piece of my mind...I believe I've done just that and I'm sure I will continue to do that and more...yet a year and a half later my letter is a little different.

Dear Ovarian Cancer,

Life before you was AMAZING!! After you entered my world, I thought all was lost and I'm happy to report that life after you is still AMAZING!! Thank you for opening my eyes and making me more aware. Thank you for pushing me to keep moving, maybe a little slower at times...but still moving. Thank you for filling me with anger- anger that I turned into energy- energy that I used to kick your ass!! Thank you for giving me the gift of friends from all around the world and for allowing me to be a VOICE for this not so silent disease. Thank you for showing me that life does go on and it can be good. Thank you for the constant reminder that this too shall pass and that if I can overcome you, I can overcome anything!!! Thank you for teaching me about vanity and appreciating the BEAUTY of a bald head(wash-rub-go), you can't beat it!! Thank you for teaching me to live in the moment and to enjoy every day that we have with the people we love, as tomorrow is not promised.

P.S. I would say thank you for the hot flashes as they truly are fascinating and make having conversations oh so awkward but I'm just not that there yet:)...baby steps people, baby steps!

Network TV gives Ovarian Cancer a new look...

2010-01-29T11:27:00.009-05:00

Either I've become more "aware" because I'm an Ovarian Cancer survivor(which in some cases I have) or network TV has really picked up on the fact that Ovarian Cancer is a serious disease that's affecting women of all ages and they're FINALLY showing us that it's a disease worthy of "QUALITY" screen time. Screen time that isn't the reason why the main character has suddenly died a month after getting diagnosed and leaving behind her husband and her newborn child. It's sad to say, but until now that's what we've been watching...

With shows like "Mercy" and "Private Practice" it's refreshing to see Ovarian Cancer in the forefront and being presented in a brighter light. I flinch when I realize that a character is about to hear those oh so familiar words and I breathe a sigh of relief when I realize that what I'm about to witness is a new way of dealing with this illness...through these shows I've seen it affect women of color, women in their twenties, thirty's and forty's. People who look like me, share the same concerns as me...people who reflect the journey I've been on. Yes, I know they're actors, but oh how good it feels to see that people do survive even if it is a fictional wold. Grab hope where ever we can is my motto!

RETRO BLOG #4-I'M A SURVIVOR!!

2010-01-24T10:52:00.007-05:00

So this is the last entry before I put down the pen...little did I know just a few months later I would embark on a path of journaling and sharing my story with the world...I also find it fascinating how many different feelings and range of emotions we tackle on a day to day basis, sometimes all within a few minutes time as you can see by the entry below.

November 4, 2007

Went to the Dr. two days ago and the news was great. My CA125 is back to normal, Dr. Finkler said that this is a really good indicator of how great your survival rate will be. I'm so thankful for the news, however I'm morning the loss of my hair. It started to fall out the day I went to the doctor, I think by next week I'll be bald. As prepared as I am or thought I would be...it's still very disturbing. I don't feel pretty, that's pretty shallow but that's how I feel. I don't want to wallow but I have no other outlet. I just want to sleep and pretend that this isn't happening to me. I'm sad today, finding it hard to be optimistic. I know this will pass, but God it hurts. I don't want anyone to tell me it's gonna be okay, I know it will...just not today!

January 24, 2010

RETRO BLOG #3 -I am not my hair

2010-01-23T00:42:00.002-05:00

October 30, 2007

Today is the day that mama(my maternal grandmother) died 15 years ago. I pray that she is watching over me. I feel cheated by the amount of time I've loss with her, but some of my younger cousins have never even met her. She is my guardian angel, that I know for sure. I'm glad to have a few good ones up there. I wonder if they all talk and what the buzz is up there...Mama, Bill, Scott, & Aunt Joyce.

I believe I've lost the hair on my legs, it's weird. I wonder if that's what it will be like when I lose the hair on my head. It's been exactly two weeks since my first chemo. They said I would lose all of my hair in about two weeks. I cut it off the day after my first chemo, I'm working with little more than a buzz cut.

I stopped checking my pillow, when it goes it goes.

RETRO BLOG #2-What will cancer do to those who love me?

2010-01-20T08:38:00.003-05:00

October 24, 2007

Eating again like crazy. Still having dreams about food. I guess things could be worst, lol. I talked to a bunch of people today. I realize that I have to get these calls in when I feel good, it really helps those who care about me feel better. Everyone says that when you're sick like me you have to focus on "doing you". I worry so much about what my illness will do to those around me.

Would love to have some chicken from Publix, Dan will think I'm crazy....

I've tried to journal all my life, maybe this time I'll stick to it.

RETRO BLOG(found some of my early thoughts)-DIAGNOSIS OVARIAN CANCER

2010-01-19T09:37:00.004-05:00

In trying to get going and organized I came across a journal that I started when I was first diagnosed...I think I got three entries in before I dropped the pen and paper...again i was never good at keeping a journal:)

Here's the first one...

October 23, 2007

Diagnosed 22 days ago with Ovarian Cancer...I believe that was the worst day of my life. I have chemo again in exactly two weeks, it's hard not to dwell on that, especially when I'm feeling so good. I feel almost normal, what a blessing that is.

Side effects so far are a little insomnia, pain in legs, diarrhea and extreme hunger(probably from the steroids)....I really can't complain.

Dan is awesome, what a rock he is...I am so thankful for his presence in my life.

Teal Princess Strikes Again...

2010-01-08T00:54:00.003-05:00

Okay, my parents always told me that race, politics, and religion were pretty much off limits when it comes to topics of conversation. Why? Because those are three of the most controversial issues you can broach. I generally live by this rule of thumb, but when I don't I'm pretty aware of who my audience is and how to navigate the conversation so as to get my opinion across without thoroughly pissing someone off or completely alienating someone who has the potential to become a lifelong friend.

I say all of this because, last week I had dinner with a few friends and of course the conversation landed on the state of our healthcare or lack thereof. I know you're probably thinking that I ride around in my teal dress and bat mobile on a crusade to save the world, making sure that each and every person I come across understands the importance of having QUALITY & AFFORDABLE healthcare. Well I don't...I try and hit you with it when you least expect it and again since I grew up knowing what and what not to say I'm always aware of my surroundings. So on this particular evening, surrounded by good friends I felt comfortable addressing the issue especially because one of my friends has no insurance because he's a freelance filmmaker and my other friend spent a year paying out of pocket for cobra as her and her husband were both unemployed, costing hem about $800.00 a month. Who can afford that?

As we sat there chatting about how ridiculous it is that my filmmaker friend doesn't have coverage and about what would happen to him should something serious occur, our waitress who clearly didn't get the race-politics-and religion are off limits memo, chimes in with her opinion. We're all entitled to our opinions, but know your boundaries...that's all I ask. Apparently she grew up in Europe or Canada, somewhere where there's universal healthcare. She proceeded to tell us how there shouldn't be universal healthcare and she shared her thoughts why. Something about an issue on her arm that took forever to be looked after as a kid, the end result being a scar or something. I don't know, I kind of tuned her out the moment she decided it was okay for her to share her opinion. I politely told her that, I'm not sure what the answer is but I do believe we need reform. I also told her that not one system is perfect, but it beats a blank which is what we have right now.

When you lack healthcare coverage, the phrase "Early Detection" has no meaning. If you can't afford to go to the doctor for check-ups, odds are you won't catch whatever ailment you have in a timely manner, thus decreasing your chances of a successful cure. Yes I know that there are clinics and government agencies that can point you in the direction for a free check-up, but what about the follow up? How do you begin to navigate your local government to figure out where to go and what the process is? Oh and when you get there, sometime between waiting for hours just to get seen and being treated like you're less than human...maybe just maybe you'll see a doctor who cares and not one who's underpaid and under appreciated.

What's the definition of reform? I'm still not clear...

Happy New Year!!

2010-01-04T10:20:00.003-05:00

I had a fantastic holiday season!! If there's anything that cancer has taught me, it's to live-laugh-love always!!!! I don't have time for people who can't appreciate that sentiment and I chose not to surround myself with them. I'm not going to bore you with resolutions, I know what they are and I know what I need to do. No need to chat about it, as chatting doesn't accomplish anything. So this year is all about the physical act and making things manifest. I continue to pray for all of my sisters fighting the good but not so easy fight and although we are near and far, you are in my thoughts everyday. We are cancer warriors and the battle continues.

I'm attaching a picture of my beautiful God-Daughter because she's just too cute for words and because she reminds of all that's left to do in life and I'm keeping my eyes on the prize.

Wishing all of you a wonderful new year, filled with good health and prosperity.

xoxo

Letters To God-The Film

2009-12-19T00:47:00.005-05:00

As I reflect on the many things I'm grateful for as we bring 2009 to a close, what really comes to mind is the wonderful movie I worked on this summer as a casting associate. Words can't convey how proud and honored I am to have worked on this amazing story, inspired by the life and legacy of Tyler Doughtie. Tyler battled brain cancer and his story will come to the big screen in "Letters To God", a tribute to Tyler and to all of the children who are battling and winning the war against cancer.

I try really hard not to ask "why me?", because as you will often hear people say, "why not me?" And it's true, why not me? I'm incredibly blessed to have lived my childhood years happy and healthy. There are children in this world who have never had a moment without pain. To that I say, why them? Tyler's story is sad yet inspiring. It gives you hope. Hope that even in your darkest hour, you are never alone and even after we're gone we have the power to inspire and lift up so many people.

There was a cast and crew screening last Sunday and I'm proud to say I almost made it through without crying. I pushed my tears back every time I felt them surface(I hate crying in public mainly because I'm such an ugly crier) What pushed me over the edge were the final moments just before the credits rolled...there's a tribute to cancer survivors everywhere and I am one of them, I am a SURVIVOR!! I'm honored to have been in such great company, yet it's moments like that, that bring it home. Cancer waged a war against me and I will never forget that. I live with it everyday as do many people. Seeing a side by side picture of me during treatment and me in the present day was a journey in itself. I instantly went back in time and remembered that just two years ago my world had been rocked to its core. Two years ago, I joined a group of people with whom I will never forget, my new family.

For me working on this film is another sign that there is a plan for all of us. When I left my job at Nickelodeon three years ago, I would have never guessed that I would have been given the opportunity to work on such an amazing film. A film to which I could relate to on so many levels. A film that will make sure that one little boy's battle and legacy will on.

"Letters To God" In theaters April 9th 2010

Are age requirements killing us?

2009-12-08T13:06:00.010-05:00

Are all of the guidelines and restrictions when it comes to what age we should be screened for a particular disease really in our best interest? Yes, I believe everything should come with parameters, but to what expense? Do health officials know when to ignore the guidelines as much as they know when to follow them?

I just read about David Cohen the 40 year old veteran who is suing the VA Hospital because they denied his request for a colonoscopy. A request that was made because he has a family history of colon cancer, including his grandmother who died from the disease and other family members who have exhibited symptoms. He has proof that just last year he was denied just a few minutes after his request was made. How is a few minutes enough time to make a sound decision on something as important as a screening test that could possibly save your life?

So now Mr. Cohen is in for the fight of his life. He was diagnosed with stage 4 Colon Cancer and was given 26 months to live. From what I've seen and read about him, I believe he has the will to beat what he's been told, but is this something that could have been prevented? Sure, he may have gotten cancer no matter what, but to what degree? With early detection, we're talking about stage 1 or 2, when the chances of survival are far greater.

We need health-care reform in the worst way and on so many levels. A CNN anchor asked Mr. Cohen today why he didn't turn away from the VA when they repeatedly turned him down and just pay for the test himself. He, like so many other American's couldn't afford it and I suspect in some way he probably believed just a little bit that the people who turned him down and denied his request knew what they were talking about. Navigating the system is challenging at best when you have insurance and doctor's on your side, what happens when you don't.

Just enjoy the ride...

2009-12-06T09:52:00.007-05:00

My cup runneth over with random thoughts and emotions. So much so I don't know where to start.

Yesterday was the Ovarian Cancer Of Florida's annual Holiday Party...a small group of the finest people I know. I am so inspired by the women I walk beside and truly grateful that I am along for the journey. Whenever I am around them, I am reminded of my purpose. I am here and still alive because I have a message. A message to young women all of over the world. A message to minority women. A voice for those who are undeserved and often left behind or left for dead. So much has transpired over the last few years and sometimes I just want to sit and be still. If I make no moves, there's a good chance I can avoid all disappointments.

I was talking to my mom the other day and she told me an interesting story about my dad. My dad just finished treatment for Prostate Cancer and it seems his passion for giving has quadrupled. She ran across quite a few envelopes with donations in them...all ready to be mailed to various organizations and people in need. The surprising part for my mom was the number of envelopes he had ready to go. They like most of us have their list of go-to charity's, but it seems that this years list had exploded. As I listened, I realized that my dad's eagerness to take care of the world is a side effect from being a survivor. I equate it to being so thankful and grateful that you are here, you want to do whatever you can to help others. As survivor of anything you realize up close and personal what the alternative to surviving is and for a lot of people that thought remains a figment of their imagination for a really long time. It's something you wish you could bottle up and distribute to the world in a lovely glass bottle, a feeling you wish people could experience and execute without having to go through a life threatening illness.

Another side effect for me is that not only do i want to help the world, I want to do everything now..like if I don't I will run out of time. I want to fast forward to a successful business, fantastic trips and voyages with Dan, family, & friends. Advocacy work that MAKES a difference in the lives of women all over the world. And last but never least, maybe just maybe a family of our own, be it conventional or unconventional, I know that we can make a difference in the life of a child.

I'm praying that God gives me the strength and courage to tackle all that I want to achieve and even if I stay a bit along the way, I will remember to enjoy the ride!!

Wishing you all many blessings this holiday season!!!

Mammogram or Bust!!

2009-11-17T09:02:00.009-05:00

"Women in their 40s should not get routine mammograms for early detection of breast cancer, according to updated guidelines set forth by the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force."

So the "experts" have spoken...again. Up until now mammograms were routine for women 40 and over. Now a task force that consist of not one oncologist has changed the advisory and has recommended that women between 40 and 49 should consult with their individual doctor to see if it's in their best interest to have a mammogram. They say routine mammograms in younger women are responsible for early detection breast cancer in about 15% women in this age group. In my opinion(and I'm no expert) this means that without that early screening method, there's a chance that a good number of those same women would go undiagnosed until it was probably too late.

So now it's up to your doctor and unfortunately insurance companies to give the final yes. I am forever thankful that my original gyn did not DISMISS me because of my age. Statistically, Ovarian Cancer is a 55-60 year old Caucasian woman's disease. (I'm gearing up on for another blog post, where I will tackle that statistic head on.) And unlike breast cancer, there is no screening tool to detect Ovarian Cancer. It's up to you to educate your doctor and push him to dig deeper if you feel like something is wrong. I guess the same now goes for women 40-49 when it comes to breast cancer and BTW-they're not so sure self-exams are a good way to spend your time either...who are these people and how can we get them to collectively agree to stop talking and leave well enough alone?

When will we get it? We can save millions of dollars on treatment if we had more preventative measures in place. Stop trying to cut corners!! No matter what your political affiliation, you have to agree that without adequate health-care we are ALL at risk!

Three Birthdays beyond diagnosis...

2009-11-14T13:19:00.009-05:00

Birthday's take on a whole new meaning when you experience something as devastating as a cancer diagnosis. I remember being so excited to reach 10, because that meant I was now in the double digit club. 13 meant that I was OFFICIALLY a Teenager. 16, well we all know that every girl dreams about their "sweet 16", although I didn't have a party, I still felt that along with 16 came some rite of passage. After-all, on all of the shows I grew up watching, from The Brady Bunch to The Cosby Show--16 was a milestone, it was the age you could date, get your ears pierced, wear make-up...you know those things that scream "I'm a woman now"....18 gave me the right to vote, 21 the right to have the drink of my choice, 25 meant I was half way to the big 3-0, and 30...well after that I kind of stopped counting.

My 36th birthday was on Thursday and I'm back to counting. Instead of counting towards the big 4-0, I'm counting away from the big C. I was diagnosed at the age of 33 with Ovarian Cancer, six weeks before my 34th Birthday. So this is officially my 3rd birthday after diagnosis. Never in a million years would I have guessed that this would be my life at 36. The best thing about life at 36 is that I'm aware and more thankful and grateful for every day I have here on earth. For the people who surround me and love me for who I am. Sometimes I sit and watch people who supposedly have it all. The husband, house, kids, dream job & car. I watch in amazement as these same people still find something to complain about. How is that possible?

Earlier today I caught a little bit of "Extreme Home Makeover"...you know the one that no matter how hard you try, you can't watch with out shedding enough tears to remove a drought. A little girl had been writing the show forever, begging for help for her family of 7 who were forced to leave their home and live in a hotel room because of toxins that were found in their home. She prayed and she prayed, and at times she wanted to give up. She told her mom that part of her felt that God just didn't care about them.

I understand her , probably more than someone who hasn't experienced a loss or traumatic event. Every year that I'm blessed with another birthday I'm reminded that no matter what, we have to stay faithful and positive. We have to stay committed to our journey and the road we are traveling. No it's not easy, but what is? I still have my moments of despair, but that's okay. I may not have everything I want in life, but I have everything I need.

So here's to another birthday and to being open and receptive to the blessings that are bestowed upon me everyday.

What a difference a year makes?

2009-10-25T22:55:00.006-04:00

One year ago today, I had my "35 and Alive birthday party"...my birthday is actually in November, but I had my celebration early to make it easy on all of my friends and family coming in from out of town. Today was kind of bitter sweet for me. On one hand, I can't believe how far I've come in a year(still carrying that extra chemo wait, but hey...things could be worst right?) On the other, I can't believe how quickly things can change and not always for the better.

My week was pretty busy, Dan was away on business and yet I managed to stay pretty active, which made spending our 3rd wedding anniversary alone a lot easier to tolerate. The way I look at it, Dan having to go away on our anniversary was a sign that things are normal.. No special treatment needed, no pass because of a sick wife. So although it sucked, it was a great reminder that we are well on the road to normalcy.

Friday, I gave a speech at an Ovarian Cancer event sponsored by a sorority at the University of Central Florida(I've attached a pic from the festivities above) It was a small crowd but a great night spent with some of my favorite people and some new friends.

Saturday(Dan came home Friday night) we took a two and a half hour road trip to my cousins house. My aunt is gravely ill, battling lung cancer. Just one year ago at my party, she was cancer free and enjoying every moment of it. Just three months ago, she was struggling a bit but still working and living on her own...now she can no longer speak.

We had to turn around and come home after a few hours of visiting as I had to get ready for my classes(I teach acting to kids and teens). A year ago, my classes were a distant dream and now they are a reality. I guess what all of the ups/downs, bumps/lumps make me realize is that no matter what our journey we should all be enjoying the moment.

I met two wonderful women at Friday's UCF event, a spoken word artist and a singer/musician. I was reminded through their performances that we should all be present and in the moment and remember that this too shall pass.

A OKAY on the check up front...

2009-10-15T09:58:00.007-04:00

As I walked into the cancer center for my 8:30 appointment on Tuesday, the moment was a bit surreal. Not because of my looming appointment where I would find out it this ugly beast was still minding it's own business, but because my father who lives some 500 miles away, was walking into some building of his own to face his own beast, his first radiation treatment for prostate cancer. Even as I write these words, it's still unimaginable to me that cancer can strike not only once, but twice in the same family at the same time. We're not alone in this journey, there are millions of people in the same predicament all over the world. It doesn't make it any easier to digest, in fact I'd say it's equally annoying at best. The good news is that I'm still kicking cancer's butt and my dad is too!! It's funny, now that I know the word cancer I find myself hoping and praying that if anyone I know gets it, that they get a kinder more gentle version. Something manageable,something beatable...a kind version + a great attitude= a win win situation. Funny how our perspective changes with firsthand experience.

I'm a survivor...

2009-10-13T18:35:00.004-04:00

This video is amazing!! I was going to attach it to a long and drawn out, we are all survivors kind of post...but it really is a stand alone piece. Please know that you are not alone in your fight!

CANCERVERSARY--Thank you...

2009-10-01T12:57:00.005-04:00

I still plan on giving this speech when I accept my first Emmy or Oscar, but I thought it was only fitting that I that I pay homage to this day with some important thank-you's.

Two years ago today, I was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. Two years ago today, my life was forever changed. Today, I am still here and blessed to be so.

Thank you to my wonderful hubby(Dan) who without him by my side this journey would have been a lot harder to navigate.

Thank you to the most wonderful parents in the world for being there every step of the way.

Thanks to all my friends & family, those near and far who have lifted me up and continued to lift me up in prayer.

THANK YOU to the wonderful team of Doctor's for making this journey a little less scary.

Thank you to the Ovarian Cancer Alliance for everything you do to make this diagnosis easier to understand.

And finally, it's without saying...I thank GOD for staying with me. There were times that I've question why, but at the end of the day I know there is a plan for me and it will revealed all in HIS time.

Two steps forward, one step back...

2009-09-29T18:19:00.006-04:00

Sometimes I have to re-read my own entries in order to snap myself back into reality and to help me remember my journey. The past month or so hasn't left me wanting to write much. It could be that with every ache and pain, hot flash, or shortness of breath is a reminder that my life is not the same. It could be that while the world around me keeps moving and laughing and enjoying life I'm looking on from the sidelines wishing I too could be worry free. It could be that during this month of OVCA awareness, I haven't stopped talking and trying to educate women to take control of their bodies and while talking I'm faced with the reality that this is my world. I'm speaking from experience, first hand experience. It could be that I know so many women all across the globe who are in the midst of the fight of their life and I can't help but wonder if I will one day be in their shoes. The list is endless, but you get the idea...

So today, I re-read a few of my entries and I got back a little of my mojo...I'm remembering my cause--I'm remembering my fight--I'm remembering my sisters--I'm remembering our spouses and families.

Please know that this is only a moment and this too shall pass. This blog is for revealing the good, bad, and indifferent. I'm a work in progress, but who of us isn't?

BTW-If anyone has a remedy for hot flashes, please let me know...that could be one of the reason's I'm so grumpy:)

Women of Strength-The PinkTealies

2009-09-11T15:20:00.005-04:00

Wednesday night I had the honor of attending and receiving an award at the 1st annual Pink Tealies Awards Symposium. The symposium brought together women all backgrounds, uniting us and acknowledging our individual journey's with breast or ovarian cancer. There were twelve us who were highlighted for our work and effort in leading the fight against cancer. I was honored to be one of the twelve.

There was a moment in the evening that forced me to step outside of myself and the moment. Dr. Kendrick, a gynecologic oncologist from the Florida Cancer Institute was giving a presentation on Ovarian Cancer...symptoms, statistics, & risk factors. That's when I tried to make my mental escape. I don't care how many times I hear those statistics(especially when delivered to a mass audience) I'm forced to remember that this isn't just general information, this is my information. This is my life, my journey and for the life of me I still can't figure out how I got here. I found myself fading in out of the present and visiting the past. The place where Ovarian Cancer wasn't a household name. The place where I dreamed big and out loud without limitations. A simpler, quieter time...it's scary,two years later and it's still scary. It's scary to hear the statistics on how many women don't survive. It's scary to think hear about how many women struggle with ovarian cancer for the rest of their lives.

Before I took myself to the point of no return, I took a good look around my table. There sat five wonderful women. Five Ovarian Cancer SURVIVORS. A combined total of 57 years kicking Ovarian Cancer's butt. There sat five women who are defeating the odds in a big way, including a 26 year stage 4 survivor. A living miracle and an inspiration to many. I'm keeping my eyes on the prize and I'm staying focused, not on statistics but on what's in front of me.

Teal Is The New Black-September is Ovarian Cancer Awarness Month

2009-09-04T09:43:00.008-04:00

The symptoms are real...I'm real...I'm proof that this disease does not discriminate, proof that early detection is key ....bloating, frequent or urgent urination, back pain, pain during intercourse, abdominal pain...symptoms that if you're a woman you've probably experienced at some point during the month...the question on the minds of many is how do we take care of ourselves without becoming crazy and obsessed with every single pain or ache....

I won't tell you it's easy because it's not. It starts with knowing your body and knowing yourself. It starts with regular check ups. It starts with your voice and knowing how to use it.

Diagnosed at the age of 33 in October 2007, African-American and three weeks shy of my first wedding anniversary this is not how I pictured my life. Cancer happens to other people and on Lifetime movies, you know those movies you never want to watch, but always do. Almost two years later, I still wear the effects of cancer...it's in my eyes, it's wrapped up in the extra pounds I now carry, it's in the random sweats that occur at the most inopportune time, it's in the monkey on my back...the monkey that reminds me that I am not the same, that I 'm constantly making adjustments to the way I live, the things I can and will never be able to do. I wear the effects but it's not who I am. What I am is a SURVIVOR an ADVOCATE, A WIFE, DAUGHTER, FRIEND, & CONFIDENT.

I am blessed to have a wonderful support system and team of doctors on my side. Would I rather be on the sidelines supporting the fight against cancer, ABSOLUTELY!! That's not my journey. My journey is to make sure that I pay homage to the women who walked before me and to be of inspiration to those who beside me, on my right and my left and those who will unfortunately follow in my shoes.

Thank you for helping to create awareness for this not so silent disease. Thank you to my husband, family, and friends for supporting me on the journey of a lifetime...

Ramblings and rants from an OVCA survivor...

2009-08-25T18:29:00.004-04:00

I had the wonderful opportunity to get together with my some of my favorite women today, fellow OVCA survivors. I almost didn't make it, as procrastination has become a real enemy of mine. I've known about this lunch for weeks, yet without failure, I insist on waiting to the last minute to get ready. I'm glad I made it. Being in such good company makes this disease a lot easier to handle. We're all in various stages with our journey, which can be both good and bad. Good because there's always someone to draw strength or seek advice from. Bad because, you always wonder, am I next? Every ache and pain brings forth so many concerns that most people don't have. In addition to trying to get back to normal, us survivors spend a lot of time trying to outrun that big bad monster, "RECURRENCE". Recurrence means that you begin the fight all over again and whether it's with additional surgeries or treatment, you've got to be ready to fight the good fight.

I heard about the passing of two wonderful women today, I'm praying for the families of those women. I want their families to know that I won't stop speaking and screaming from the top of my lungs about this ridiculous disease that does not discriminate...

Let's get this health care situation right. Whatever your political preference, know that you or someone you love may find themselves in a position one day where their well being or survival could depend on what kind of coverage is offered to those who are under insured. Personally, I don't care if you raise my taxes...if it means that my neighbor will be okay, have at it! My major concern with the health care reform is that it is user friendly. Meaning, everyone will know how to access it and use it with out a 52 page map. If it's not user friendly, why bother?

Man In the Mirror...

2009-08-18T15:15:00.004-04:00

I spent some quality time this morning with MJ, you know him... the gloved one. I've heard "Man in the Mirror" about a million times and I know that some of Mike's lyrics are pretty profound, yet this morning I couldn't get enough of it... Sometimes we get so caught up in the grand gestures that people seem to respond so well to, we fail to realize that everything in life starts with baby steps. We've got to be the change we want to see...It starts at home, it starts with the man in the mirror.

"Man In The Mirror"
I'm Gonna Make A Change,For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,Gonna Make A DifferenceGonna Make It Right . . .
As I, Turn Up The Collar On MyFavourite Winter Coat
This Wind Is Blowin' My Mind
I See The Kids In The Street,With Not Enough To EatWho Am I, To Be Blind?
Pretending Not To SeeTheir Needs
A Summer's Disregard,A Broken Bottle TopAnd A One Man's Soul
They Follow Each Other OnThe Wind Ya' Know'Cause They Got NowhereTo Go
That's Why I Want You To Know
I'm Starting With The Man In The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To ChangeHis Ways
And No Message Could Have Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The WorldA Better Place(If You Wanna Make TheWorld A Better Place)Take A Look At Yourself, AndThen Make A Change
I've Been A Victim Of A Selfish Kind Of Love
It's Time That I Realize
That There Are Some With NoHome, Not A Nickel To Loan
Could It Be Really Me,Pretending That They're Not Alone?
A Willow Deeply Scarred,Somebody's Broken Heart And A Washed-Out Dream(Washed-Out Dream)
They Follow The Pattern OfThe Wind, Ya' See Cause They Got No PlaceTo Be
That's Why I'm Starting With Me

Lauren Taylor McGowan

2009-08-17T16:13:00.014-04:00

Mom & Lauren Taylor

Truth be told, I didn't know how I would feel. I love my best friend, so if the universe was aligned(as we'd all like it to be), I would with-out question love her newborn baby girl as well.

I've made peace with my journey, but like any woman who's had their right to bear children taken away from them, there are times when I still can't understand how I got to this place. Sure, I joined the cancer club, kicking and screaming the whole way as most people do, but how I got there is no longer the issue. It's how do I work through and process everything that comes along with this not so cheap membership.

INTRODUCING...Lauren Taylor

My best friend isn't the first person to have a baby in my immediate circle and odds are she won't be the last. Does that make it an easier pill to swallow? Some days it does, some days it doesn't. But such is life and I have a GOOD life. I'm here, alive and well. Things get better every day and when in doubt I'm reminded of how much worst things could be and that for me is really what keeps me moving.

My newest angel, Lauren Taylor McGowan made her debut on August 8th 2009. Her middle name is an ode to me, as my full name is Kia Riddick-Taylor. I'm honored that Tasha and her husband Joe wanted their daughter to have a piece of me to carry with her throughout life. I'm super glad that my married name is universal name. It works as a first, middle, and last name equally great. I LOVE the fact that there's is a new baby in my life that I can spoil and love(without the around o'clock feedings and diaper changes). The jury reached it's verdict pretty fast on this one ...I'm DEFINITELY in love as it should be:)

Dad & Lauren Taylor

FINALLY...My magazine debut...

2009-07-27T06:30:00.008-04:00

It's been months since my big "photoshoot", you remember the one where the photographer joined me at my monthly luncheon for Ovarian Cancer survivors, a great treat organized every month by The Ovarian Cancer Alliance of FL. For those of you just joining my blog, I'll give you a brief recap of that magical day. After channeling my inner America's Next Top Model all thoughout lunch, the photographer then followed me home to catch some shots of Dan and I, kind of like something you'd see in "Ladies Home Journal"...shortly before the shoot I was interviewed for this same article where the writer would ultimately tell my story in an "as told to" format...which reads as if I'm speaking/writing in first person. The article would appear in the July issue of "All You Magazine", a magazine that you can only find in Walmart. I'm all for anything that creates awareness for OVCA, like many of you...that's my number one goal and the only way I can make since out of this dreadful disease. This article does just that! It creates awareness for the disease and reiterates that this disease does not discriminate!

Sounds good, right? A win win for all...sort of...

I say sort of, because although I'm pleased about the awareness Ovarian Cancer is getting, I don't feel like the article captures the true essence of who I am and how I've navigated my journey.

For starters, the article states that the hardest thing for me to process was the fact that I had to have a hysterectomy. For anyone who's a regular reader, you know that's simply not the case. I won't lie, the idea of having a hysterectomy at the age of of thirty-four totally sucks. No kids, instant menopause, and sleepless nights all thanks to my lack of ovaries...ovaries that I've had for over thirty years and as I told one class of nursing students that I recently spoke to, the WORST part is the fact that I had to contend with horrible periods for over twenty years...now where's the justice in that!

I've said it once and I'll say it again, my hysterectomy was the EASIEST decision I ever made, as it was a matter of life or death and I CHOSE life. For ME it was the only decision. The article made it seem like my whole world was wrapped up in having children and a family of my own. I'm a smart, strong, confident woman and above all else I know that a family is what you make it.

The article also mentioned how I'd cry for days on end when I had treatment...yes, I admit tears would start out of no where, as chemo made me pretty emotional...but crying for days on end, even if I wanted to...Dan would never let that happen...not on his watch anyway:)

I wrote an e-mail to the lovely woman who interviewed me, not to complain or bitch...but to thank her for bringing OVCA to the limelight and to voice my concerns over some of the articles contents. She completely understood where I was coming from and although she did her best, once the piece leaves her hands it goes through a vigorous editing process, from there it's all out of her control. Having worked in the entertainment industry for years, I too know how these things work. Maybe I was too positive for someone dealing with such a hideous illness, maybe the idea of a young, newly married woman, struggling with the fact that her right to have children had just been taken away from her, would sell a few more magazines...who knows. I just know that I owed it to myself, my readers, and anyone out facing the same situation to speak up and speak out.

As soon as I can figure out a way to upload the article, I will...

*Okay-Here I am again, I think I got it. I had to upload the pdf to a media share sight, when you click on it it will take you to the file, from there you will be able to read it(hopefully)

http://www.mediafire.com/?sharekey=4853ac6c7e15c38ee7ba8e3c6e11ce20e04e75f6e8ebb871

Time...

2009-07-12T09:23:00.008-04:00

It's been one year since my hysterectomy and a little over a year since my last chemo. Time moves on whether you like it or not.

My relationship with time has been on again off again.

There are days where all I want to do is go back in time, to a time where cancer never invaded my universe.

I've wanted time to stop moving, enabling me to capture whatever moment of happiness I was enjoying at the time in a bottle that I never unsealed. Feeling free to enjoy everything and everyone around me and not falling victim to anymore hurt or despair.

I've wished that time would move forward, so that I could see for sure that everything would be okay and resume to my regularly scheduled program of a happy home, life, and family.

A year ago, my biggest concern was going outside for the world to see me without my scarf.

A week ago I wrapped up work on my first feature film.

Nine months ago I was writing about my bff and her new pregnancy.

A week ago we gathered to give her a beautiful shower and now we're on baby watch.

Six months ago, I couldn't/wouldn't allow myself to think past my next doctor's appointment.

Today, I'm planning vacations and holidays.

Today, I'm telling cancer...catch me if you can!!

Time is an interesting machine...

See ya in October...

2009-06-09T23:42:00.002-04:00

If you're a friend on facebook then you've already heard this...I'm still kicking cancer's butt! I saw the good doctor today and I'm happy to report that all is well. My blood pressure of course was sky high(I think they call it white coat syndrome) My next appointment is in October, I've graduated to every four months...hip hip hooray!!!

Thanks for all the well wishes and prayers...I did pretty well with not stressing about it(being a productive member of society helps me through that)...

xoxo

Broken wing, but never spirit...

2009-05-30T14:35:00.005-04:00

My house is a mess, I'm a mess(still carrying these 30 extra chemo pounds), I'm completely unorganized and yet things have never been better(health-wise and career-wise). I'm not complaining, I'm venting. Today is the first day in a long time that I've felt beaten up and broken. Today my camouflage comes off and if you don't want to see what's underneath I suggest you stop reading now.

I spend a lot of time and energy working to inspire people dealing with cancer or any critical illness. I want them to see that you can get to the other side and that life does go on. I believe in that. I believe that my journey will help someone else in their journey.

Today I had more quiet time than I've had in a long time and I think my thoughts got the best of me. I'm still angry. I'm angry at cancer. I'm angry for me, for the people who walked before me and for the people who will walk after me. I'm tired. I spend so much time rah rahing and advocating for the greater good that I've almost convinced myself that cancer has been okay. That I am okay with my path. Just to be clear, I'm not okay with...but I understand it. I know that I'm not the only person in the world, dealing with unwanted issues. These feelings don't make me ungrateful, they make me real. Human. Honest.

These feelings make me remember that I'm still broken. And that it's okay to say out loud for the world to hear, CANCER SUCKS!!!! Because it does...

In sickness and in health...

2009-05-24T10:02:00.010-04:00

I'm proud to say that I don't take anything for granted, especially after my journey with OVCA. Although I've been guilty of it in the past and I may occasionally go there for just a moment in the present...I still believe that I appreciate everything I have and everyone around me.

I was talking to a women yesterday about my battle with cancer. You know how the conversation goes. You try and give them a brief synopsis in an effort to hit all the major bullet points while you still have their attention. A lot of people are afraid of the word "cancer" and whether consciously or unconsciously will check-out of the conversation not long after hearing the word. After chatting for a moment, she asked if I had kids. I said no, unfortunately my husband and I had only been married a year before I was diagnosed. This is where the story gets interesting...

The response I'm use to hearing generally has something to do with "oh I'm so sorry", "well they're plenty of kids out there" and my all time favorite "you can have one of mine". Yesterday's response was a bit different. It went something like "oh, did he leave you?" Wow! I couldn't believe it. Did he leave me? I had a flashing vision of the Doctor entering my room through a revolving door saying, "I'm sorry Kia you have cancer" and watching Dan as he exited through that same revolving door. I have never had one passing thought that Dan would leave me. I'm not naive, I know that marriage takes a lot of work even in the best of times. However, when you say I do, or at least when Dan and I did, we meant every word of it. Of course, I didn't expect to cash in on the in sickness and in health card so soon, but that's what it's there for right? Why else would you say it?

It turns out that the women I was talking to had known a few people who were left standing at the cancer treatment line without their spouse or significant other standing by their side. That had been her experience up until now and all that she had as a point of reference. I jumped at the opportunity to show her a different side of the coin. There are a lot of people hanging in there in the mix of adversity and people should know about them.

I was watching my favorite pastor today(Joel Osteen) while on the treadmill and he said something that really drove the events of my weekend home for me. Everyone is in your life for a reason and a season. God does not promise us that they will be there forever. If they leave, then it was their time to leave. Choose to remember and focus on the positive things and people around you, doing so you can never go wrong.

There are a lot of people out there willing and able to take that walk with you. How can you see them if you never unblock your view?

Has it really been...a month since my last post??

2009-05-21T12:13:00.005-04:00

Health wise, I'm doing great! I've got a bit of a cold right now, but I went to the emergency clinic yesterday and I think we've ruled out swine flu...you may think I'm crazy, but after my diagnosis of OVCA, I don't have too much faith in my once superhero abilities and I know that getting swine flu wouldn't be the strangest thing that's ever happened to me. I just had my port flushed(yep, still walking around with my socket) and next week I go in for my CA125 followed by my 3 month follow-up on June 9th. It's amazing how fast that time rolls around...

I'm busier than I've been in months and it feels good. I still haven't mastered the work/life balance that some people speak so highly of, but I'm getting there.

If you'll indulge me for a minute, I'll give you a little back story as to where I've been before I recap the highlights of where I'm going.

BC(Before Cancer) I was a career women! I lost sight of that girl, but I think we've finally reconnected. I worked as a casting director for the number 1 kids channel in the WORLD...Nickelodeon! I still plug Nick and it's amazing shows whenever I can...after-all Nick is where I learned everything that I know and for that I will be forever grateful. In addition to working on casting for some of the best shows ever, I had the wonderful opportunity to rub shoulders with some of the the biggest celebs in the business.

I made a decision to leave that world behind when I re-connected with my soul-mate. I knew it was time to spread my winds, I just didn't know how far I'd be asked to spread them:) When I arrived in FL in October 06, my plan was to start an acting school through which I would teach kids and teens, with the hopes of maybe identifying a potential star or two and without question, enriching the lives of many. I'd just gotten things up and running in September 07, when the cancer boom landed upon me in October 07.

Between October 07 and now my life's been an open book for any and everyone to take a peek at. I never imagined things would turn out the way they have, just added proof that we're not in control, no matter how much we like to think we are.

Back to me, the present me...things are moving along better than I would have ever anticipated. Once I finally made the decision to put one foot in front of another, the rest was smooth sailing(okay, maybe not smooth...but I was definitely sailing) In addition to my teaching, I've been working as a casting associate on a feature film, entitled "Letters To God".

Letters to God is the story of a 9-year-old boy who writes letters to God during his battle with cancer, and ends up touching countless lives with the power of his faith.

What are the chances that my first gig AC(After Cancer) would be a wonderful story about hope and faith. Words can't describe how incredibly honored and blessed I am to have the opportunity to do work that involves my two passions in life(CANCER and the world of Entertainment). I've said it before and I'll say it again, we are where we should be in life, in this moment and in this time.

Looking beyond cancer...

2009-04-22T17:28:00.004-04:00

Wow! It's been ages since I've written, let alone had time to write.

I've got a lot of GOOD stuff happening for me right now. I can't spill the beans just yet, but let's just say this...IT FEELS GOOD TO BE BACK!!! I will be able to share more about it later...right now it takes everything I have to wrap my brain around and process it myself.

I moving forward and beyond cancer, yet the thought of that monster sneaking up on me again remains prevalent. Most days, I'm able to push pass my negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. Occasionally those thoughts get the better of me. I think of how annoyed and pissed off I'd be if it reared it's ugly head and interrupted all of the goodness that's coming my way!!

My thoughts are always with my sisters who are still battling this disease. Please keep them and anyone who is suffering in your thoughts and prayers. My prayer list is getting pretty long, sometimes I fall asleep before I can get them all out. I know that GOD knows what's in my heart, so he listens even when I can vocalize what I'm feeling.

I promise to do a better job of keeping up with my blog. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I don't want to forget my journey or my mission to spread awareness. I've got some time management skills to work on(never been my strong suit even before cancer whacked me in the head)...I'm a work in progress, bare with me!!

Genetic testing and me...

2009-04-09T12:03:00.007-04:00

I have no idea how this is going to turn out, but I know that I made the right decision, the right decision for me.

Yesterday I had my blood drawn for the Brac Analysis Testing. For those of you who are unfamiliar with it, it's a genetic test for hereditary breast and ovarian cancer. I have no history of breast or ovca besides my great auntie on my father's side who had breast cancer, however I'm concerned that I was diagnosed with OVCA at the age of 33 and that I have a history of cystic breast.

Before they run my blood, the company that does the genetic testing will have to check with my insurance company to make sure that they will cover the cost. If they choose not to(which wouldn't surprise me at all considering how insurance company's are), I will probably let sleeping dogs lie. There's no way I could afford to pay thousands of dollars at this point, so I'll just have to pray on it:)

What happens if I'm positive? I really can't say. I've already had OVCA so my biggest concern besides a possible recurrence would be breast cancer. I don't know if I'm the type of person who would choose to have an elective mastectomy. There's a part of me that feels certain that I would and then there's the part of me that is annoyed that I would even have to contemplate a decision like that. Isn't one cancer enough to deal with? I think so, but as I learned very quickly, I am not in control of this journey.

I wish more monority women would face their issues head on. There's no reason why we aren't benefiting from resources like the Brac Analysis to help us with early detection, ultimately saving our lives. I wish more doctor's were proactive in educating minority women about their options. The disparities in healthcare are a gap that we have to bridge. I'm sure I sound like a broken record to those of you who follow my blog, but until I see the numbers changing and more people taking control of their health, a broken record is what I'll be.

As far as my pending genetic test goes, what I can say is that I'm not going to worry about it. No need to put the cart be before the horse(I'm full of old adages this entry). Cancer has given me the strength to do things I've never dreamed of. My biggest concern of the day use to be what I was going to have for lunch. Thankfully, I'm slowly reconnecting with that person and it feels good!

Ovarian Cancer who???

2009-04-01T18:14:00.004-04:00

When I first entered the room there wasn't an empty chair in sight. If I didn't know better, I would have thought that I had just stumbled upon the biggest sale of the year at Macy's. Once I was finally able to sit down, I made friends with the nicest women, she's battling stage 4 Ovarian Cancer and she's doing really well. She's on her second recurrance and just looking at her, you'd never be able to tell that she was on any form of chemo.

By the time I entered the lab to have my vitals taken, my blood pressure was sky high!! There is something about that office on check-up day that just doesn't sit well with me. I've tried meditating and the who's who of deep breathing activities, all to no avail. About an hour after I arrived for my check-up I was ushered to the back where my sheet and chilly table top awaited me. The nurse who ushered me in must have been new as she attempted to give my chart a quick once over whilst asking me questions, I'm guessing in an attempt to expedite the reading of the chart. "You're not on chemo are you?" I kindly told her nope, that was in my past and that's no longer a part of who I am. A few months ago, I would thought that was an omen...not this time. I simply corrected her and proceeded to get undressed.

The good doctor came in moments later, completed my exam, looked over my latest CA125 and announced that all was right with me and the world. You can't see me, but I'm doing the happy dance!! And that sound you hear, is a big sigh of RELIEF!!

Nothing exciting, but thought I'd check in....

2009-03-30T10:27:00.003-04:00

Stopping by to give you a quick update. No metaphors, wise sayings, or advice to give. Just a simple update. I'm going in for my 3-month check-up tomorrow in addition to my port flush. I missed my port flush appointment last week...I just may be getting to the point that cancer isn't the center of my world. It's very unusual for me to forget any appointments ESPECIALLY when it's cancer related. I guess life really does move on. There's still a little part of me that will be super glad when tomorrow is over and I'm standing at the check-out desk scheduling my next 3 month appointment. It use to be that I lived my life according to days off from school or work, birthdays and any major holiday at which you're given great gifts, a plethora of food, or some good old fashioned R&R. Now 3-month intervals are what make me happy. Ahh...life, you never know where it's going to take you!

Remembering Jade Goody...

2009-03-22T08:33:00.005-04:00

British reality star Jade Goody passed away this morning. Jade battled Cervical Cancer with grace, up until the end. She leaves behind two young boys which I'm sure was harder than the disease itself. As we lose another women to gynecologic cancer, I urge and encourage all of you to take of your body. There are some illness' in life that can't be avoided no matter what we do, but the better shape your body is in the better prepared for the fight you will be. I hadn't heard of Jade until her battle with cervical cancer became public, but if there's one thing I can gather from what I've read...she lived hard, worked hard, and most importantly loved hard. Enough said.

The ultimate guide to dealing with a cancer patient...

2009-03-20T10:21:00.005-04:00

It's been a year since my last chemo and although I'm rapidly shedding the exterior label of a cancer patient I still get the "look" when people learn about my battle with Ovarian Cancer. Lets face it, Ovarian Cancer is a dreadful disease, I'm 35 and African-American. I don't look like Ovarian Cancer. So with that combination, the "look" is inevitable. And as much as I hate it, I can relate to the look, as it wasn't too long ago where the only thing I knew about cancer was what I saw on Lifetime TV.

So as I've just established, the looks aren't going to go away. And they shouldn't, they're a natural reaction to devastating news. The questions is, how do we move pass the look? There are a million resources out there that offer suggestions to cancer patients on how to take control of their disease. How about a few tips for those of you on the other side, friends and family who struggle with doing/saying the "right" thing.

Don't be afraid to admit that you don't know what to say or do. Odds are, you've never dealt with anything like this, so how would you know?
Take a cue from the patient, see where they want to take the conversation. For me, there are days when I want nothing to do with cancer, then there are days where it consumes my every waking moment.
Phone calls and e-mails are great, but if we don't call you back right away take no offense, we know you're there, we just might not be up to chatting. This is not an excuse to stop calling or writing, check in every now and then...when we come out of our fog, you're first on our list!
Don't forget that a cancer diagnosis last longer than a week. We have a long road ahead of us and things tend to go silent after the immediate fanfare. We need support throughout our entire journey.
If you're in the neighborhood bring by a meal. Caregivers have a lot on their plate and a day when they don't have to worry about cooking is always a good day. Don't ask just do it!
Offer to accompany someone to treatment or a doctor's appointment. Again, our care-givers can really use a day off and these little gestures go a long way.
Don't treat cancer like the elephant in the room. It's there, it's real...acknowledge it! It doesn't bite and you can't catch it by talking about it.
Don't miss out on an opportunity to share an incredible journey with someone you care about.
Knowledge is power! Do us a favor, educate yourself and other's.
Keep us in your prayers, the more prayers the better!

Bonus**If you're looking for some great gifts to send to someone who's sick, visit http://www.outofthebluedelivered.com/. Check out the cancer patients section, this site is well worth the click!!

Cancer+Fortune Cookie=Kia

2009-03-06T11:59:00.012-05:00

"I don't know how to become unstuck"

"The only wrong thing, is to do nothing"

I have little scraps of paper all over the house with sayings just like the one above. Most times it comes to me via background noise coming out of the TV. I rush to look for a viable pen to write down what I've just heard, although I know these moments happen often, I'm never prepared and thus everything is written down in haste. I subsequently spend hours on end trying to decipher what I wrote. It's a vicious cycle, my vicious cycle. My husband says I'm like a giant fortune cookie. I laugh him off as if to say "your so silly", however I know he's right. Ovarian Cancer has turned me into a giant fortune cookie right in front of my very own eyes.

These little words of wisdom have helped me navigate this senseless disease. These little words validate what I already know to be true. We all seek validation, no matter what we're going through at the time. Validation that we are not alone in our journey, validation that we are on the right path, and validation that life does and will get better. We all have people around us who offer invaluable words of wisdom, yet more often than not those words are hard to process when it comes from someone so close to you. Fortune cookies have no vested interest in us, so in my opinion we can always count on them to give it to us straight!

Lights, Camera, Action!!

2009-03-03T16:20:00.004-05:00

My quest to spread awareness for this senseless disease is endless...last week I channeled my inner "America's next top model" just for the cause. Before I explain, let me just preface it with this...I have a WHOLE new appreciation for models and the endless hours they spend cheesing in front of the camera. Who knew that was such a hard job?

About a month ago I was interviewed by a writer who was writing a story for "All You" magazine, a magazine that's solely distributed through Walmart. Last week the magazine sent out a photographer to capture some pictures to accompany the article. They wanted to take pics of me while out and about, doing what I do best...spreading awareness...I didn't have anything lined up, so I suggested that they join me at the Ovarian Cancer Alliance of Florida's monthly lunch-bunch. Every month survivor's,caregivers, and friends meet for a dutch lunch. It's a great way to connect outside of the treatment room and doctors office. It's one of those little things that can really help keep you sane. What I love most about it is that it keeps me connected to the people and cause I care most about.

It felt like my wedding day all over again. I think Preston, the photographer must have taken at least 500 shots. He got a truckload of shots both inside and outside of the restaurant, then followed me to my house for pic's of Dan and I(this is when things really started to feel like an issue of Ladies Home Journal). All I can say is that I did the best I could at channeling my inner Tyra Banks, hoping and praying that in between blinks I made her proud. The issue comes out this summer, I think it will give great exposure this disease that doesn't discriminate and for that I'll make a fool out of myself anytime!!

I want to give a shout out to my co-stars, the little ladies that I share this incredible journey with. They were such great sports, putting up with the constant flashing of the bulb and for joining me in my "starring role". I can't imagine my life without any of them, they all bring something special to my life, a gift worth a million bucks!!

Dear President Obama...

2009-02-28T23:08:00.003-05:00

Dear President Obama,

If anyone had told me that I would be spending the first few years of my marriage dealing with, battling, and advocating for a life threatening illness I would have never believed them. What I just described is something that happens on TV, something that happens to other people. Diagnosed in October 2007 at the age of thirty-three with Ovarian Cancer my reality up until then would be forever altered. In addition to wondering what my life would be like without early detection, I often wonder what my life would have been like without "quality" health insurance.

You, Mr. President are in the midst of what I imagine to be the biggest battle of your life. A fight to rectify the state of our economy and a fight to make sure that every America citizen has access to quality and affordable health care. I write this letter to say this, keep doing what you're doing.

I've been fortunate to have health insurance throughout my entire life. I am also fortunate because I understand the ramifications of not having adequate coverage. My cancer treatment included two surgeries, eight rounds of chemotherapy, and numerous office visits, blood draws, and scans. The sum total being somewhere between three and four hundred thousand dollars.

My husband and I are preparing to elect new insurance for the second time this year. His company is holding an additional enrollment period due to changes within the structure of their organization. Upon learning this, my immediate fear was that none of our new choices would be comparable to our current insurance and that my doctor's wouldn't be participants of the plan. The very same doctors who I credit with saving my life. As it turns out, my fears were valid, with the best out of the three new choices being an HMO. An HMO that forces us to go to in-network doctors. Our other two options including the one most comparable to the PPO we have now, both have a high deductibles and only a 90% coverage. Two plans that could result in thousands of out of pocket dollars should my cancer return. That's a stress that I can live without.

The one saving grace is that my gynecologic oncologist does accept the HMO plan. I will miss my other doctors greatly, but since keeping cancer at bay is my biggest concern at the moment, I'll have to make due. I am knowledgeable through experience, so I know that carrying around the responsibility of paying 10% out of pocket could be the very thing that takes you from living in your own home to living on a street. The difference between being able to put food on your table and standing in line at a soup kitchen.

I am writing for the people who don't have the knowledge or the voice. The everyday people who don't understand the convoluted and complex brochures that are handed out by companies to "help" us choose the "right" plan. I am writing to let you know just how many people of all walks of life and all backgrounds are here to support you and the decisions that you are making on behalf of us all. I'm writing to say, keep on doing what you're doing!!

Checkin in and hoping you're all well...

2009-02-22T16:29:00.012-05:00

Just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers, my dad is still on the road to recovery and things are moving along nicely. I never had any doubt that he wouldn't be okay, something even I have a hard time believing considering all that I have been through. I sometimes sit in amazement and in awe of all the wondeful places and people you can draw strength from when you need it most.

Since my dad was doing so well and my aunt was also there as a support for my mom, I was able to spend a little time with my BFF or Best Friend Forever as the kids call it...just trying to stay young and current for as long as I can:) You may remember my BFF from a previous blog, she's pregnant with her first baby and she had quite a time telling me her good news.

I've been handling her pregnancy pretty well up until now, I haven't caught very many glimpses of that GREEN EYED MONSTER they call jealousy, which is a true testiment to my belief that we are all where we should be in life. I wasn't sure what seeing her and her growing belly would be like, but I knew it was something I couldn't avoid forever. Surprisingly, it wasn't that bad. Sure I had a couple of moments where I wished it were me complaining about not feeling like myself or the standard aches and pains that come along with being pregnant, but even more than that I find myself wishing that I could just go back to the time before Ovarian Cancer invaded my life, that is something I'll never get passed. I would have taken any magic potion or pill and paid any amount of money if I knew that it would prevent me from getting cancer.

But that's not the case and since we can't go back in time, I'll just keep on keepin on...trying my best to stay busy and productive, a challenge that I'm trying really hard to conquer. My next 3-month check up is coming up in a few weeks. It's amazing how fast time flys when you're having fun:)

Cancer Knows no Boundaries...

2009-02-15T16:45:00.004-05:00

Things have been pretty crazy over the last week. I've got a few interesting events to catch you up on, but I will save that for a later entry. I want to use this opportunity to share with you where I am now and how I'm navigating this new phase of my journey.

My dad had surgery for early staged prostate cancer on Friday. He's home now and resting which I am very thankful for, but watching him as he embarks on his new journey, is a lot like looking in a mirror. One thing my experience with Ovarian Cancer has taught me, is to be thankful and appreciative for where I am at this time...things could be worst and for some people they are just that. I think that cancer has hit us again because of how well we responded the first time. Yep, we were so good at it, someone decided that we could probably handle a little bit more:) My dad is a lot like me, he will not take cancer lying down. Having traveled down this road just a few short months ago was a blessing in disguise. It made me not so scared of the unknown. It's made me focus on the positive and not the negatives. It's helped my dad realize that he now has a mission. A mission to help educate our husbands, fathers, brothers, and sons about how important early detection is and how significant it is to saving your life.

My family has been through a lot over the years, but show me a family who hasn't. Resisting the temptation to question why, is half the battle...

The Golden Age of heathcare...

2009-02-08T22:45:00.003-05:00

Last week I had the distinct honor and pleasure of interviewing my father about his experience with segregation and racism. The daughter of a friend was doing a report for school(I'm assuming it was in celebration of black history month) and she wanted to get the perspective of an ordinary individual who lived during that time in history. Because my father grew up in the north his exposure to segregation and racism was minimal. But with summer visits to his grand-parents, my great-grandparents house in North Carolina his youthful eyes and innocence would be forever changed. Hearing stories of about how disadvantaged people of color were, really got me thinking about my journey and how different it would have been for me had I gotten sick just 40 years ago. I've received state of the art health care...doctor's, surgeries, drugs...no shortage of everything needed to help me fight this dreadful disease. What's ironic about the whole thing is that although segregation is no longer legal, we are still living in a country where not everyone has access to the same benefits. It's absolutely fascinating that although we've come so far, we've still got a long way to go. I'm glad I had that moment to stop, listen, and reflect with my dad. It's always good to remember where we've come from and no matter what your history is, it's something we can all benefit from.

Reflections...

2009-02-05T18:05:00.003-05:00

Happy February Everyone!!

I can't believe how quickly time is flying, next month is my second three month check-up and the one year anniversary of my last chemo. When I was going through chemo it felt like time stood still...I couldn't see any further than what was right in front of me. Now it seems as if life won't slow down and although the weeks rush by, I try my best to savor every moment. Sometimes I sit in amazement, reflecting on this past year and all that has transpired. I see images of me in chemo, with no hair, and in surgeries...I lived those moments yet I still can't believe that girl is me and that this is my life. I've met so many wonderful people on this journey, it's hard to imagine what my life would be like without them(And I'm glad I don't have to) As life continues to move forward, I wanted to take a moment to say how thankful I am. I sometimes catch myself moving so fast trying to get my life back that I almost forget the road I last traveled. I don't every want to forget. My experience with Ovarian Cancer has made me the women I am today. It has taught me to take things one step at a time and to cherish what I have. I will continue to pray for all of those wonderful women who fighting this terrible disease. I will continue to do my part in creating awareness so that many more women will be blessed with early detection. I ask you to stay with me as I continue with the next phase of my journey, one that will be filled with life, love, and laughter!!

Hormones or the lack there of...

2009-01-29T12:36:00.003-05:00

I just read an interesting article about Hormone Therapy on Oprah.com. The article is geared towards helping women figure out if hormone therapy is right for them. There are many misconceptions about hormone therapy, so it never hurts to brush up on it. The article also states that any woman with a history of or a high risk to Ovarian, Breast, or Uterine cancer should not take Hormones. Since I fall into the "history of" category and I'm seven months into my journey with "instant menopause" I thought I'd update you as to where things stand.

Hot flashes invade my personal space on average about 3-4 times a day. Since the weather's been on the cool side(sixty degrees is cool for Florida) they seem to have decreased a bit. I usually handle the flashes by stripping where ever I am, how much I strip obviously depends on my location:) I've gotten a handle on the flash itself. I know when it's coming and how long it will last. It usually starts with a weird feeling in my legs. Followed by a strange feeling of not wanting anything on me or next to me and then a feeling of not wanting to be inside my own skin. The crazy part is that once the flash is over, it's as if nothing ever happened and within an instant I'm freezing to death, pulling the comforter back up or re-layering with sweatshirts or sweaters.

Dan(my hubby) is a real trooper. He's subjected to around the clock air conditioning and the constant on and off clicking of ceiling fans. I'm sure he never imagined in a million years that he would be dealing with a wife who's going through menopause at the age of 35. I try hard not to match my old lady diagnosis with old lady behavior. That combo would likely send him running for the hills!

I don't think I've exhibited traits of bitchiness, out of control emotions, or a short temper...but who am I to judge. The one glitch in the system is not being able to control who I get hot flashes in front of. I can be in the middle of a conversation with one or many people. I then feel like I owe it to them to explain why it is that in a room as cold as the north pole, I'm forced to pull out a napkin to wipe away the cluster of sweat beads that have within seconds formed around my temple.

Living in the moment...

2009-01-24T11:29:00.009-05:00

I'm going to make my husband proud with this entry. Dan's the type of person who wants you to love everything that he loves. He's spent years trying to get me to watch one of his favorite shows (Battlestar Gallatica). Today I proudly announce that his dreams may soon become a reality. I am finally on the verge of submitting...

What brought about this sudden change? Cancer of course. One of the main characters of the show is a cancer survivor who's currently going through a recurrence. In addition to being a cancer survivor she happens to be president of the planet or universe...I'm not sure what she's president of...I just know she's president...

Because she's going through a recurrence, she's forced to hold a press conference to announce her status. Here's the gist...

President: I can confirm that my cancer has returned....

Reporter: Do you know how long you have?

President: Do You?

Reporter: (Blank Stare, mouth wide open)

What a great response! Do any of us really know what the future holds? It's true, some of us have come closer to our own mortality than we would have ever liked to...but nothing in this life is guaranteed...not even for someone who "appears" to be in the best of health. Our power lies with hoping and praying for the best. Taking care of our mind, body, and spirit to the best of our ability and enjoying each day that life has to offer. No matter what your journey is, we all owe it to ourselves to enjoy what's right in front of us. Wandering about what awaits us down the road can make you crazy.

It can immobilize you...

The ability to keep moving and pushing forward during your darkest days takes a lot of work. It's just as much of a mental battle as it is physical, but it's a battle that can be won. Everyday won't be easy, every moment won't be easy. Just yesterday I had a moment where I felt like I just couldn't win. There are so many things that I want to do, yet I can't find an easy road to any of them(I'm starting to think I'm not suppose to) I'm trying to get on with my life post cancer in the midst of the worst economic time our country has ever faced. I almost let my frustration with a couple of situations ruin my whole day. But instead, I decided to take back all of the energy I invested in everything that was going wrong and in turn focus it on everything that was going right. The rest I figure will fall into place.

A philosophy that I'm applying to the many facets of my life.

Adoption after cancer?

2009-01-13T19:40:00.004-05:00

Adoption after cancer. Is it possible?

Is it a dream that I can safely hold onto?

I'm not sure.

I always assumed I would be a mother. It never really occurred to me that I wouldn't. Even before I was married, with no prospects of a husband in my immediate or distant future I knew that I would have children, even if I had to tap into other resources to make it happen:)

I knew that if I never had children, it would be by choice. My choice. And as most of you know the word "choice" in my book has been redefined forever.

When I think about our future, a part of me still sees us with a house full of kids, although I question where these kids will come from. After a diagnosis of Ovarian Cancer I don't know how many adoption agencies are rushing to place a child in your care...

If I'm having a really good day, I can convince myself that I don't want children, thereby avoiding another one of life's disappointments and heartache. This way I can't be let down when things don't work out, no harm no foul!

We have no shortage of children in our lives so that void has been filled. The nagging, lingering thought for me is, how much we can enrich the life of a child and truly make a difference in their future.

If anyone has any success stories please share, I would love to hear from someone who has traveled this road before me.

Kudo's to Kathy Bates and her Ovarian Cancer Mission...

2009-01-09T15:09:00.004-05:00

It's hard to announce to your friends and family that you have cancer. I know for me it's still a hard thing to do. Every time I say it out loud it's confirmation that this is my life and that this is my journey. So I can only imagine how hard it would be if my life were in the spotlight.

Kathy Bates, while on a press junket for her new movie Revolutionary Road, has also been sharing her own personal journey with Ovarian Cancer. I am so happy that she has decided to share her story. We all try and do our part in spreading awareness, but unfortunately we're not celebrities. I'm confident that my outreach and story will eventually touch thousands of women, but that will take time. Kathy Bates will be able to reach the masses and reach them quickly.

We need star power, we need people to wake up and listen, we need people to know that Ovarian Cancer does not discriminate.

I'm attaching the link for an interview that Kathy Bates did on the Today Show, where she shares a little bit about her mission.

Kudos to Ms. Bates!!

P.S-Revolutionary Road looks awesome!!!

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/28576785#28576785

Ovarian Cancer and Obesity...

2009-01-08T13:32:00.002-05:00

An interesting article came across my computer today...have I mentioned just how much I love google alerts?

They(not really sure who they are) have just added a new "risk factor" that can increase your chances of getting Ovarian Cancer. Ladies who are over 50 and overweight are now at an elevated risk.

"Obese women may face an elevated risk because their fat cells turn normal hormones into estrogen and estrogen plays a role in the development of ovarian cancer. But doctors are quick to note that being thin is no guarantee of preventing ovarian cancer." Keloland.com

So now we have it, just one more reason(among the many) that maintaining a healthy weight is essential for healthy living. I, like a growing number of women are not only battling the disease but also the battle of the bulge...the bulge brought on by the oh so lovely chemotherapy. In addition to blaming cancer and chemo, I'm also realizing that the lack of hormones(brought on by sudden menopause) must also claim it's role in providing us with the extra pounds as well, particularly around your middle section.

I was in the grocery store the other day and it suddenly dawned on me. Yes, I'm dealing with some unwanted, lingering, pounds. But the choice to reverse the situation is mine. There I was shopping, picking out what ever I wanted...fruits and veggies included. There are far too many people who don't have that luxury. They have no choice but to eat and feed their family off of fast food, dollar menus, or meals that you can stretch into two or three days, like pasta.

I choose what foods to bring into my house, I choose what foods to put in my mouth, and ultimately I choose whether or not I put these extra pounds away for good.

The state of our healthcare...Obama Biden Project

2009-01-06T13:34:00.002-05:00

I just found out that the wife of a good family friend recently lost her battle with breast cancer. My mom slipped and told me, she didn't mean to...she was planning on keeping that secret for as long as she could. I think she died around the time of my 3 month check-up and she didn't want to stress me out. I know her intention's were good. For many it's hard to hear that someone on the same journey as you didn't make. It can send your mind reeling and turn your world upside down. To be honest, I don't know how I would have reacted, it all depends on the day, minute, or hour that you talk to me. What I do know is that this woman would have lived a lot longer if she had treatment in a timely manner. I don't remember all of the details of her situation but I know that she waited an unusually long time before anything was started and I believe the reason behind that was lack of insurance or adequate insurance. In other words the difference between life and death.

Last week I had the pleasure and honor of attending a community forum about the state of health care in America. It was a community forum held at the request of The Obama-Biden Transition team. They've reached out to community groups all across the country, asking us to address and uncover key issues that will ultimately help them when they take on the huge task of re-vamping our current health care system.

It was a two hour meeting that could have went on for weeks...

It would be wonderful is President elect Obama could fix everything that's wrong with our system with the snap of a finger, unfortunately he's not superman and that's not humanly possible. Just like his campaign, it's going to take some grass roots efforts. Our health care system didn't get this way overnight and neither will the solution. The grass roots approach can be hard and often frustrating at times as it seems like you spend more time spinning your wheels than doing anything productive.

I hope that they hear "us". I hope they recognize that people are dying unnecessarily. Children are sick and are remaining sick because their parents don't know where to turn. People are penalized for having a pre-existing conditions, through no fault of their own. People are losing their homes because of mounting hospital bills and insurance premiums. Quality , affordable health care is a right. The freedom of choice is a right.

Without the freedom of choice I don't know where I'd be right now. I never once worried about whether my insurance was going to cover my medical expenses. My main concern was find the right team of doctor's to save my life. From my initial meeting with the gyn who found the mass on my ovary to my first chemotherapy treatment it might have been 4 weeks. That includes a meeting with a specialist, diagnosis, surgery and follow up care. I had top notch first rate care from start to finish, the difference between life and death. Can I say that about my neighbor?

I'm mentally and physically ready for 2009!!

2009-01-02T00:14:00.006-05:00

Happy New Year!! The holiday's were great, we spent Christmas in North Carolina with my parents. Dan and I spent New Year's Eve at a local hotel, they had a dinner/dancing package that we couldn't resist. We were able to stay close to home and still have an amazing time. I'm so happy we went out, I really feel like we started the new year in the right way! The not so good news is that I'm old. I've been so caught up in being a "young ovarian cancer survivor" that I forget that I'm really not that young. Dancing in the interim has become quite the chore and after eating I'm usually headed for a nap. So going out and staying out(at least until the ball dropped) was quite impressive to say the least.

On Wednesday I went to get my port flushed at the hospital. Surprisingly my blood pressure was perfect. Usually just seeing the sign for the hospital, sends my pressure sky high. So although that may seem like a minor detail, it's actually a pretty major milestone. Could it be that I've finally gotten use to the white coats? I hope so, because a few more out of whack blood pressure readings might prompt someone to give me a pill to fix the problem and a pill is the last thing I need.

The one great thing about going to the doctor is that I'm always happy to see the wonderful staff of people who take such great care of all of us. You spend so much time with them, they kind of become your extended family or your home away from home. It's kind of weird when you don't see them every week.

Wednesday's visit was also really good for my soul. There was a women there going through a recurrence, after three years the cancer has metastasized to her lungs. She was so upset and frustrated with everything, my heart just ached for her. I also saw a few women come in who appeared to be having a not so great day, I'm assuming they just had chemo and my heart ached for them as well. Chemo can take such a toll on your body and I found myself sitting there praying that they would find some comfort. I wanted to reach out to them and tell them that things are better on the other side and that one day chemo will become more of a distant memory than they would have ever thought.

I left the doctor's office with proof of how far I've come and how much I've grown. No one knows what the future holds for them and I think I'm finally coming to a point where I believe that to be true. A few months ago, I would have left that office feeling sorry for myself hand in hand with new and added worries about when my other shoe was going drop. When I left this time, my thoughts remained with those I came in contact with. I'm working hard to live by the rule...why worry about something that is not in your control or that hasn't happened yet?

This is a step forward for me. I may have moments where things aren't as clear, but according to my rule...I'm not to worry about that yet!

When we remember those we've lost...

2008-12-22T10:07:00.002-05:00

I "borrowed" this poem from the journal of a woman I met in chemo. I've talked about her in earlier post's, she lost her battle with Ovarian Cancer last April at the age of 39. She left behind a husband and two young boy's. I always look forward to their updates, as it's comforting to know that even with the loss of their loved one, they are doing well. Timing is everything as my mood, thoughts, and emotions have been all over the place. This poem has given me a sense of peace, I hope it does the same for you...

Merry Christmas From Heaven

I still hear the songs
I still see the lights
I still feel your love
On cold wintry nights
I still share your hopes
And all of your cares
I’ll even remind you
To please say your prayers
I just want to tell you
You still make me proud
You stand head and shoulders
Above all the crowd
Keep trying each moment
To stay in his grace
I came here before you
To help set your place
You don’t have to be
Perfect all of the time
He forgives you the slip
If you continue the climb
To my family and friends
Please be thankful today
I’m still close beside you
In a new special way
I love you all dearly
Now don’t shed a tear
Cause I’m spending my
Christmas with Jesus this year

Is Ovarian Cancer Stealing Your Thunder?

2008-12-21T17:18:00.005-05:00

It's been a while since I've posted. I've started a few post's, only to stop halfway through. I've been having a problem concentrating...at least I think that's what the problem is.

Maybe it's that I feel like I haven't had any new revelations or profound thoughts to share.

Maybe I'm tired of hearing the sound of my voice cheer leading and championing for the greater good of Ovarian Cancer.

I'm not sure.

I just know that the moment I sit down to write, I become extremely anxious and fidgety.

I'm annoyed easily and quickly frustrated.

I'm forcing myself to complete this post, as I don't ever want to lose what I've started here. As I start to become more of old myself and resume life as planned, I may be tempted to forget about my mission and slip into an heavenly abyss of what I perceive to be a normal life.

Is it that I only feel like writing when things are going bad?

Do I feel guilty writing when things are going well for me, but not for my friends who share my battle?

Again, I'm not sure...

Don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful and happy that I'm feeling well, I'm kicking cancer's butt, and that I'm able to enjoy the holiday season stress free. I'm having a great time, enjoying each and every moment.

And trying really hard not to let Ovarian Cancer steal my thunder!

Can a marriage survive cancer?

2008-12-11T16:31:00.004-05:00

If your one of my wonderfully loyal and faithful readers then you already know a little bit about my life BC(Before Cancer). If you're new here and a soon to be loyal and faithful reader, I'll get you up to speed...

I was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer three weeks before my first wedding anniversary. Not quite the anniversary present I was looking for, but at least I was here to celebrate...this totally rocked our world. All that we knew to be true, we now questioned and how to navigate this new part of our journey would soon reveal itself.

I know a lot of people say that they couldn't have made it through the storm without the support of their significant other. I'm pretty sure I would have made it through, but it wouldn't have been the same. My husband is my biggest fan!! He supports me, but he won't pacify me. Translation~he won't let me fall down the black hole of self pity and despair. I'll admit at times I've uttered a few choice words to him(under my breath of course), but in the back of my mind I knew that he was right. I knew that I was capable of much more than what Ovarian Cancer was trying to dictate. Yes, my parents and friends are an amazing support system...but I can still get away with murder especially when it comes to my dad:) And for parent's, I think it's incredibly hard to watch your child go through a life threatening disease. Children aren't suppose to live this earth before their parent's and when that happens at any age it's so hard to come back from that. So I did my part by remaining upbeat and optimistic when talking to the folks,wanting to spare them as much grief as possible.

Because of this, my husband was privy to all things cancer, be it good, bad, or indifferent. That's hard to process, let alone live with. I always knew we would make it, because I know who we are at our core and as my husband says "nothing is bigger then us". What I've come to realize now that I've come out from under the rock is that a lot of couples aren't able to weather the storm that an illness can bring about. It's life changing and if you've got plans and a direction that you're already heading in, it can be hard to navigate your way through. We all repeat some version of the infamous "in sickness and in health" vow's when we get married, yet for many people those words go right out the window when put to the test.

Honesty was the key for me. Being open and receptive to hearing the other person's point of view was also key. Let's face it, anyone who knows me knows that I can be pretty dramatic at times. So when they outline a list of a hundred "possible" side effects that you can get from chemo, I'm the type that would think that I had them all. My husband's the type of person that doesn't buy into things like side effects. How did we mesh the two worlds? A lot of dialogue, topped off with a little bit of "I told you so":) Things will change, but as in life you have to be open to changing with them. I know this is easier said than done, as I'm still having trouble in this area. Some day's will be great and some day's will feel like you just took twenty steps backwards.

Being able to say, I hear you makes the world of difference. I may not agree with you, but I hear you and as long as you hear me, we're moving in the right direction.

Good News!!

2008-12-09T19:06:00.003-05:00

I had my long awaited 3 month check-up today and all is well..still kicking cancer's butt!! My next appointment is in March. I did pretty well with the whole nerves thing, that is until I approached the hospital...that huge "Cancer Institute" sign that you can see a mile away is pretty daunting:) No matter how long you've been at it, it's still hard to believe that you have any business what so ever in that building. It' s seriously one of those buildings that you drive by all the time, for most of your life even...without ever having to venture inside.

Before I reached the hospital I made peace with cancer. Actually, a few weeks back I decided that I was going to move forward with everything I wanted to do in life and deal with whatever comes my way when the time comes. The sense of peace it's given me is amazing!! Of course I have amazing people in my life who have played a huge role in my positive outlook. Those who lead by example, yet have no idea what a huge impact that has on those around them.

I'm thankful and grateful to be in such good company.

xoxo

Why I blog...

2008-12-05T18:24:00.004-05:00

I'm becoming more and more aware of how increasingly difficult it is for my friends and family to read my blog. It's gotta be hard to know someone so well, yet realize that you may not really know them at all... Having front row access to someones inner-thoughts can leave you victim to an acute case of "over-sharing".

As I've stated before the only way to successfully complete my mission of spreading Ovarian Cancer Awareness is by being honest and hopefully with that honesty I'll be able to reach more people than I ever thought possible. Unfortunately, some of what I have to say can be a little hard to handle for my loved ones. So as I continue to throw caution to the wind, I would like those who know me personally to remember that this is all apart of my journey...a journey to a happier, healthier,me!!

xoxo

Another first...

2008-12-03T22:47:00.002-05:00

Where to begin...So I received a phone call today from my very best friend in the whole world. I knew this day would come eventually as I'm pretty sure the world didn't stop just because I had cancer. My friend called to tell me that she's pregnant with her first child. A bitter sweet moment for us all...How would you feel is you wanted to scream from the rooftop that your pregnant...yet you're painfully reminded that your joy, this amazing gift has the potential to bring extreme sadness to someone you care deeply for. I think I would have been alright with the news had my friend not tried so hard to break the news gently. "Breaking the news gently" magnified things to the 10th power. It was a brutal reminder that this is an experience that I will never know. An experience that was taken away from me without any warning. An experience that I will always wonder about, a true what if moment.

I'm sure my friend will be reading this entry, as she usually checks in to catch a glimpse of my inner-thoughts...I know for a fact that she will check in as today was a day of joy, elation, sadness, and lost all wrapped in one. I tried my best to explain to my friend that this is just apart of life, my life..my path. I understand her compassion for me and my situation, but I don't ever want anyone to mask their joy or feel sorry for me. I can't speak for all women in my situation, but I can say this for myself without any doubt...the best way to handle me is to be normal. Don't allow me an opportunity to wallow, don't treat me with kit gloves...I won't break. This method will not work for everyone, but for me I think it's the answer.

What I promised my friend is that it's true, I will have my moment's there's no escaping them...but my moment's would come whether she was pregnant or if any other women I encountered in my travels were pregnant. It's part of life. It's part of being a survivor. There are so many things to grateful for, most of all I'm grateful that I'm of sound mind and body and for me that trumps everything.

I love you girl!! God bless you and your wonderful miracle!!

xoxo

All in due time...

2008-12-01T12:38:00.003-05:00

I'm back from my holiday "hiatus". I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving...I believe I brought back a cold from up north...I'm so not use to wearing coat's and going back and forth from hot to cold. It's either a cold or really bad allergies:)

I'm getting ready to go to the Dr.'s office shortly, I have an appointment to get my CA125 drawn(blood-test used as a tumour marker to gage the presence of cancer in your body). Next week is my 3 month check-up, so we have to have those number's in before I see the doctor. My check-up is looming over my head, yet I'm not really nervous about it...I'm probably more anxious than nervous. I'm ready for him to say keep doing what you're doing and I'll see ya in 3 months!!

It's funny, I was talking with a friend today and she made mention of how crazy it was that my life was now filled with Dr.'s appointments and such...It reminded us of how quickly life can change. If it's one thing I've learned from my experience with cancer is that we're resilient. We can adapt to any situation and in time it can become a seamless part of our lives and our day to day routines...At the time that new things are presenting themselves in our world and change becomes inevitable...it feels like something that is so foreign could never become so routine. Yet it does...sure there are days when you still wonder when you made that left turn and got off course...but for me there are many more days when I realize that it's all par for the course...

xoxo

Happy "Almost" Thanksgiving!!

2008-11-22T16:04:00.007-05:00

Things are looking up! I'm more motivated than I've been in a very long time...my energy still kind of sucks, but I'm getting there. I have some really great idea's brewing in regards to work and it feels really good. I'll share more as things develop, I'm not superstitious at all(well maybe a little)

We're leaving on Tuesday for Thanksgiving, so I'm not sure how many more post you'll receive before then. I have so much to do to get ready, even when you're not working there never seems to be enough time in the day:) We're headed up north to hang with my hubby's family, I have to get out my winter clothes...none of which fit I'm sure. Ahhh...one day my friends, one day my fabulous clothes will fit again:)

I may squeeze out one more entry before Tuesday, but in the event that I don't...Have a very, very, HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!! Blessings come in many shapes and sizes and are often right in front of your nose, God Bless!!

xoxo

Goodbye blues....

2008-11-19T16:44:00.004-05:00

I'm feeling better today. Actually, this week hasn't been as bad as I thought it might be. On Monday I spoke to group of nursing students at The University of Central Florida. It's a program that the Ovarian Cancer Alliance of Florida in partnership with UCF, uses to educate nurses about Ovarian Cancer. Because nurses are on the front line, it's important that they have an accurate understanding about Ovarian Cancer and it's symptom's.

Speaking to the group of nurses reminded me of the big picture. It reminded me that there is a reason for all of this madness:) The night before my presentation I was so annoyed and fed up with the world including all that cancer has robbed me of...only to be reminded the next day about the gift that it has also given me. An even greater appreciation for life and the ability to help other's in more ways than I will ever know.

During my presentation I talk about my diagnosis, my treatment, and surgeries. More importantly, I talk about me. I speak from the heart. I remind people that there is a face behind every disease and that whatever your obstacle is, it doesn't have to beat you. After I finished my presentation a beautiful young(I felt extremely old amongst all those wide eyed college juniors) woman ran up to me and thanked me. She's a Hodgkin's survivor of two years. She thanked me for sharing my story. She thanked me for making her feel like she wasn't alone. She too lives with that nagging feeling that her cancer will return ,something that those around her can't seem to wrap their heads around. It was refreshing for her to see and hear from someone who gets it:)

I'm not saying that the only way to get it is to be a survivor or a patient, but in some ways you kind of do. I don't think any of us knows what another person is feeling unless we take a walk in their shoes. Sure we can empathize, but we'll never really know.

Thanks for the many words of encouragement. I pray that we are able to continue to lift each other up and that no weapon formed against us shall prosper...

xoxo

Can you say tired?

2008-11-16T13:10:00.003-05:00

Is there a manual for re-entering the world of the living once you've had something like cancer? If so, please share!! My mind is ready to explode, every time I think about moving forward-I revert back to the same question...how the heck did I end up here? This is so not my life. So not the life I imagined...so not the life that anyone imagines.

I have many friends who are experiencing recurrence's of Ovarian Cancer right now. I really don't get it. Ovarian cancer is like an annoying fruit fly. Just when you think you've got them all, here comes another one. I normally have a pretty good outlook when it comes to my situation. I know there are people far worst off than me...but this is a blog and the only way to really appreciate my blog is for me to be truthful and let you in whether things are good--bad--or somewhere in the middle. And right now, things are somewhere in the middle.

I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. I'm tired of worrying about every little ache and pain. I'm tired of people telling me that everything will be okay. I'm tired of watching my friends endure treatment after treatment, surgery after surgery. I'm tired of being afraid that at any moment on any given day, the other shoe will drop. I'm tired of feeling guilty for feeling this way. I'm tired of watching people with perfect lives-the perfect house-the perfect marriage-perfect children-perfect health-and the perfect job.

There's no rhyme or reason to the way I'm feeling today and I'm sure tomorrow will be a better day. For right now, this is where I am...not where I'll stay.

Happy Birthday to Me!!!!!

2008-11-12T09:31:00.003-05:00

I'm taking the day to reflect, for today is my 35th birthday!

I woke up today in a good place. I feel good...and I'm CANCER FREE!! Today as I reflect on my year and most importantly look ahead to my future, I remember all who have traveled along this road with me...

Here's a journal entry that I wrote last year on my online support group and as I've stated before...I wasn't very good at journaling, but I managed to capture last years birthday...amazing how far I've come!!

I turned 34 today. I am so very thankful that GOD has graced me with another year. That doesn't push away the feelings of sadness and despair that I felt periodically throughout the day. I had my second chemo treatment on Tuesday and it seems like it's taking me a bit longer to bounce back this time. I feel better than I did yesterday, but I'm still not 100%. My wonderful husband took me to breakfast where I proceeded to have a bit of a breakdown. For no reason at all, the tears came and I couldn't/ didn't want to stop them. It made me sad that I didn't feel good, that today was my b-day, that I have cancer and that I have to wear a scarf because I have no hair. Two minutes after my breakdown, a beautiful older woman and her husband approached me only to tell me how beautiful my scarf was and what a wonderful way I had tied it. I now call that lady my angel, God is always there to catch us before we fall.

xoxo

Kia

Flushing of the port...

2008-11-11T14:00:00.003-05:00

I went to the Doctor office yesterday to get my port flushed. A port for all of my non-cancer readers is as my husband describes it, kind of like a socket they put into your chest...chemo is administered into your body through this socket. Ports like chemo have come a long way, most of them are placed under the skin which is great...you really can't tell that I have one, although I can feel it when I shower and get dressed and that's still kind of weird. Anyway, I still have my port even though I'm off of chemo because of the high recurrence rate of Ovarian Cancer, or as I like to call it...the gift that keeps on giving...

For some people getting your port out is a milestone that marks the end of your journey. For some keeping it in is like a safety net... me I'm somewhere stuck in the middle. I would love to have my port out, a tangible piece of cancer that signifies the end of my journey and that the war is over. But then there's the part of me that remembers that if I should ever have to have treatment again, my life would be a lot easier if I still had my port. It may seem trivial, but when it comes to cancer you really learn to count your victory's in small digestible doses.

Doctor's vary on this topic as do patients. What's important is that you do what's right for you. Blogging for me is a way to take some of those jumbled thoughts that are running around inside my head and make some sense of them. Blogging for me is way to help other's who may walk in my shoes. It's not meant to be an exact science, as I am completely new at this. I'm muddling my way through and hoping that in the end I'll be able to say ah ha!! Imagine that my very own ah ha moment! Look out Oprah!!

Words speak volumes!!

2008-11-07T16:02:00.002-05:00

"The thought that leads to no action is not thought-it is dreaming"

This is a quote from the fortune cookie I had today. It was actually inside my husbands cookie, but once he read it...he immediately passed it along to me.(I believe that it still counts as "my" cookie and even if it doesn't I'm running with it) I've been struggling lately with trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. Which is I guess is why it ended up on my plate:)

The hard part about Ovarian Cancer is that there is a high recurrences rate. Simply put, it's one of those cancers that just doesn't get it. You use ton's and ton's of toxic chemical's and radical surgeries to beat it...yet more often than not it has this unique ability to find it's way back to you. So with that cloud ALWAYS hanging over your head, how do you move forward?

So in the meantime, during my little hiatus from being a functioning member of society, I've been dreaming. I think dreaming's great, after all without dreams how will you ever grow? The problem is what good are dreams if you're not going to take action. This is not a political website, but I feel like I must make mention of the major historical event that happened in our country this week...when Barack Obama was elected our 44th president. Political parties aside, what happened this week was a far away dream of many men and women. And what happened was a direct result of the actions taken everyday by these same men and women. It wasn't something that was thought of and then forgotten about. Things happen in life. Things happen that may distract you momentarily. What's important is that we remember that it is just that, a moment and although that moment may alter our plans...it should never keep us from moving forward.

The many woa's of health insurance....

2008-11-02T21:26:00.004-05:00

It's that time a year again, time to select our health care plan for the new year. Thankfully I'm covered under my husband's plan for work and our out of pocket expenses throughout my journey with cancer have been minimal. I know that there are far too many people who can't say the same, in fact I know of at least 45 million. I don't know their names but I know they exist and I pray for them each and every day.

For the first time in my life I'm nervous about this time of year. Normally, I would roll over what ever plan we currently have to the following year,however this year my husband's company announced that they will no longer offer that plan. Before last year, I was a healthy woman and this announcement wouldn't have made a difference. Now I'm a cancer survivor with a team of medical professionals that I know, trust, and love and for whom I may not be sitting here today. What if my Doctor doesn't take this new insurance policy? Leaving our doctor is not an option....staying with my doctor as an out of network participant would be my best bet, but the thought of having to shell out thousands and thousands of potential dollars that we don't have seems almost unfathomable.

After my initial panic I decided to check the website of my future policy to see if my doctor was a participant in the plan, I probably should have done this first...but panic takes over and I seem to forget the most logical of next steps:) The good news is that my doctor is in the plan. I'll place a call to his office tomorrow just to be sure we are choosing the plan that will give us the most bang for our buck. The one that will offer the same level and quality of coverage that my old plan provided.

What I forgot while going through my dilemma is that no matter what I still had a choice, which is something that many people don't have. So things may not have turned out as great as I would have liked...but I know it will be okay. How many of us can say that?

I'm posting a link to an article I wrote about minorities and health care. I hope you'll read it and take time to think about some of these issues and although it may not effect you personally today, you never know when it will.

Enjoy!!

http://www.silkeendress.com/awomanshealthkiariddicktaylor.html

Cancer? Is that all anyone can talk about?

2008-10-31T22:04:00.004-04:00

On the best of days I'm okay with people knowing or asking questions about my cancer. On the worst of days I'm not and I find it extremely hard to pretend that I am. Last night was one of those days. We went out to meet an old friend and some of her friends none of whom we knew...most times I'll tell you about my cancer before you've had a chance to inquire, giving me ultimate control over the situation...last night wasn't one of those times and the thought of reconnecting with an old friend and meeting new ones consumed me. At times making me remote and distant, leaning towards inflicting displeasure on myself before someone beat me to it. Meeting people whether it be an old or new relationship after cancer, chemo, weight gain, and funky hair can be a bit daunting at times. My self-esteem is really suffering and for me that takes a toll on my normally funny/up-beat personality.

I was relieved to see that after meeting our friend she wasn't one of those people that immediately says, "ooh your hair is so cute" or "wow you picked up a little weight" So I spent the first half hour anticipating those dreaded comments of which I was prepared to smile, nod, and agree all the while wishing that everyone around me would just disappear. Time came and went and still no annoying comments. Our mutual friend then proceeded to talk about herself for the next hour! Finally the world didn't revolve around me and my troubles...I didn't have to talk about how I'm feeling, how I was diagnosed, when will I go back to work, or what I'll do next. I can't remember if she new about the cancer, but I know that if she did, someone did me a big favor by giving her temporary amnesia.

The mind game that cancer plays on you is taxing. It's something that you can't escape, something you have to learn to manuever around. A task that's easier said than done. I know that life will never be carefree for me again, but I'd like to get as close as I can to that feeling. Last night came close. We had a great dinner, scary haunted houses, and some salsa dancing to top the night off. I forgot about my hair, weight, and all that cancer has left me with or without.

Party Time!!

2008-10-29T20:48:00.002-04:00

I know it's been a few days, I'm sorry about the delay...for those of you that read this like I use to watch soap opera's...I know that it can be very stressful when your show's been pre-empted:)

On Saturday I had my 35th birthday party!! Before you start shouting birthday wishes, my actual b-day isn't until November 12th. I had my party early to avoid the Thanksgiving rush. So I named my party, Kia's 35 and Alive party!! Although I never believed I wouldn't make it another year, I can't say that the thought didn't cross my mind. I'm also the same person who never thought they'd get cancer at the age of 33.

I'll write more about how I'm feeling about turning 35 on my actual birthday, for now I just wanted you to know that I haven't forgotten about you!! I'll also post pic's from my party as soon as I get some. We had about 50-60 people at our clubhouse, great food, drinks(lot's of drinks) swimming and KARAOKE!!! That was my favorite part...so much fun to see people let loose!

I am so thankful for wonderful friends and family. I thought I'd get through the day without crying, I should have know that was impossible. I had way to much time on my hands while listening to them sing happy birthday, I started thinking about how I may not have seen this birthday and the tears started flying:) The only good thing about crying was that I had already messed up my make-up singing Karaoke...yes another present from menopause...thank you menopause!

Happy Anniversary!!

2008-10-21T19:19:00.004-04:00

Tomorrow I celebrate my 2nd wedding anniversary. This has been the best, craziest, and most amazing two years of my life...cancer and all, I wouldn't trade a thing. I am where I am for a reason and that I will not question(at least not today)

My husband has never wavered from the commitment we made on October 22nd 2006. Who knew that "in sickness and in health" would take on such a literal meaning so early in our marriage. Cancer is not something that you sign up for. Being told that your wife has a life threatening illness and will never be able to carry a child is certainly not something you think you'll hear just a year after you say "I DO".

Unfortunately, these were the cards we were dealt, no option to fold, only to play out the hand and play out the hand we did!!Some relationships don't survive the normal wear and tear that a marriage endures, never mind an illness that consumes and invades almost every aspect of your life. I believe we've endured the hardest part of our relationship and we're still smiling, laughing, and grateful for each other!

Love you Sir!!

Breaking out of the Cancer Bubble...

2008-10-17T16:52:00.003-04:00

So there's this phenomenon called facebook. For those of you that have never heard of it, it's a social networking site where you can re-connect with any and everybody you've ever come in contact with. Anyone from your best friend in first grade to an old college professor. It's fantastic!!! It took me awhile to submit(I always go kicking and screaming when new technologies come on the scene), but now I'm totally addicted!

My dilemma is this...up until now I think I've been in what I'll call a "cancer bubble"-definition: a closed circle comprised of people who have witnessed/played a major role in your journey. These are the people that have seen you and been with you through your darkest days..your shiniest head...and your many cries of pain.

Leaving the "cancer bubble" is a bit like returning to the workforce after a very long hiatus or entering college with the hopes of leaving high school and everything you were or weren't at the door. How do you re-introduce your self to someone you've known all of your life but haven't seen in 20 years? How do you read about or listen to stories of marriage, children, and careers...when it feels like nothing you did before cancer is relevant? How do you combat that feeling that you're the odd man out, the leader of the pact, the first cancer victim amongst your peers but unfortunately not the last? Peers that you talked with, shared with, and dreamed with.

Another brutal dose of reality for me and for those I encounter I suppose it's a hard look at their own mortality. Kind of sucks for all involved, huh? I'm proud of the way I've handled things. I'm very outspoken and upfront about my illness, I sincerely hope it doesn't make anyone uncomfortable. It's the only way I know how to cope. It's the only way I know how to be me. The me that keeps on ticking no matter what, the me that desperately wants people to be aware of Ovarian Cancer and the sneaky beast that it can be. The me that is proud of how far I've come yet knows how much further I have to go.

Just one of those days...

2008-10-13T10:48:00.006-04:00

So today is one of those weird limbo days...getting back to "normal" is a lot easier said than done. I've been having a hard time sleeping as of late...I use to be such a good napper...so as you an imagine it's quite frustrating that I am having such difficulties in the napping and sleeping department. This could be a side effect from instant menopause however I refuse to google "symptoms of menopause" because that's just one less thing I need to start obsessing about.

I have way more energy than I've had in months, yet at times I still feel so tired... both physically and mentally. It's nerve wracking, as every little twinge, ache or pain is a constant and intrusive reminder of where I've been and the unknown that lies ahead of me. Gone are the carefree days of obsessing about red carpet fashions or who's dating who. Long gone are the days that cancer was some far off remote possibility that only happened to "other" people.

I volunteered last week at the Southern Women's Show with The Ovarian Cancer Alliance booth here in Orlando. The experience was wonderful, yet a brutal reminder of how horrible this disease is and of how many family's it has torn apart, often without any advanced warning. I was happy to meet people with whom I have this common bond, this sisterhood of sorts...however the number of people who have lost a loved one to this dreadful disease left me with mixed reviews. I felt their pain as if it was my own, I felt guilty because I made it through and scared because it's my "new" reality.

In The Family...must see tv!!

2008-10-09T08:46:00.005-04:00

I heard about this great movie that follows the story of a young woman from Chicago who decides to get the BRCA1 and BRCA2 gene test after a family history of both Breast and Ovarian Cancer. She tested positive. This is her story and the story of so many other woman, what do you do when faced with these circumstances?

PBS online if offering a free online stream of the video throughout the month of October, please visit their website or visit the attached link below. I haven't watched it yet, but I hear nothing but great things...enjoy!!

http://www.pbs.org/pov/pov2008/inthefamily/fullfilm.html

Breast Cancer Awareness...friend or foe?

2008-10-06T00:20:00.012-04:00

You'd have to live under a rock not to know that October is breast cancer awareness month:) There's just no escaping it. It's out there to make you aware, diligent and mindful about what's happening in your body. It would be wonderful if all cancer's received the same amount of attention and publicity as breast cancer does. I'd love to one day see the stores flooded with teal m&m's or bodywash and to have my house filled with all things teal... Since being diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer teal has become my new BFF. It's a bit like joining a sorority...albeit a sorority that you didn't sign up for, heck in a lot of cases a sorority you didn't even know existed.

I hear a lot of people talk about how unfair it is that Breast Cancer gets all the attention from mom and dad, while survivor's of other cancer's feel like lonely step children. Sometimes Mr. jealousy enters my world also, but then I remind myself that this isn't a competition between the "it" girls and the not so "it" girls. We can't afford to waste our energy trying to out do one another.

I'm not mad at Breast Cancer, if anything I'm encouraged by it. I know that with hard work and diligence Ovarian Cancer will soon be right up there along side it's sister.

The crazy thing about the breast/ovarian cancer war is that in some instances the two are connected. In hereditary cases changes or mutations of the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes increase the chances that a woman will get one or both cancers. Gene test to identify potential risk are often done on woman who have a family history of breast, ovarian, or colon cancers. A lot of people don't realize this and it's something we should all be aware of. Just another one of those little facts that could play a pivotal role in saving your life.

There's no time like the present, so if you haven't had your mammogram yet...now is the time. If you're not sure when you should start having them, talk to your gyn...be sure to let them know your family history or any past problems you may have had. They can only help you if you're willing to help yourself!

Oh, what a year!!!

2008-10-01T17:09:00.009-04:00

A Prayer for Today--Joel Osteen
Father in heaven, thank You for watching over me and making a way even when there seems to be no way. I trust that You will never leave me nor forsake me. I bless Your name today and always. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

It was one year ago today that I heard those chilling words, words that I will never forget. You have Ovarian Cancer. A year ago my world was turned upside down, a year ago I sat immobilized and in a complete daze...not sure where this journey would lead me, but today is a new day. I woke up this morning feeling good, I had a great work out at the gym, made my own lunch and did a bit of volunteering for Senator Obama's campaign here in central Fl. My day may seem pretty mundane to many, but any day that I feel good is a blessing...I no longer take anything or anyone for granted.

I've met some amazing people this past year and I've had the most incredible team of people working to help save my life. It's true, I would have never thought in a million years that I would be writing a blog sharing my experience with cancer, but I am and I'm thankful that I'm here to do so.

Thank you to everyone near and far for your prayers and continuous support. Please continue to pray for me and for the family and friends of those who were not as fortunate.

Ovarian Cancer-Silent NO More!!

The elephant in the room...

2008-09-30T16:23:00.009-04:00

You know it's there but you'll do anything not to draw attention to it. It stands in the corner as big as a house...yet no one sees it? I don't buy it. We all see it, we just pretend not to because of how it makes us feel, unfortunately for us ignoring it's presence doesn't make it disappear.

Before I was diagnosed with cancer, I knew very little about hysterectomy's. I know that the word hysterectomy was almost taboo and that years and years ago no one talked about them. It left many woman feeling like having one some how made them less of a woman. If your mom or grand mom had to have one, you were often told that they were going into the hospital for a "procedure" or stomach trouble. I still hear woman today trying to figure out what to tell family, friends, boss' and co-workers. Talking about it helps me accept and understand my "new" reality.

I've noticed how people are reluctant to discuss kid's, be it their own or their wish to have one. And let us not forget that weird/awkward silence which I often refer to as the 'Cricket Effect", that takes over a room when I tell people that I can't have children. I assume it's because I'm so young, yet sometimes I think it's because they can't imagine how they would deal if faced with the same situation. Whatever the reason, it only makes the situation worst. I don't want to be handled with kit gloves. No everyday is not an easy one, but there are many people who are facing greater obstacles and for me that puts everything into perspective.

My decision was as easy as a choice between life or death. I'm upfront and direct when asked whether or not I can have kid's, maybe a little to direct for most. While I understand that this is a hard nut to swallow, it's something I live with everyday...something I don't have the privilege of ignoring.

So here I am, thrown into instant menopause complete with insomnia and hot flashes. I will break out and fan myself at any moment, but having my own private summer isn't as bad as I thought it would be. When I hear a great baby name I still make a note of it. I still dream that one day we'll be swapping out our oh so comfy guest room for a nursery, but until that day I'll continue to be happy and content with where I am at this moment and at this time.

FYI...

2008-09-27T00:34:00.003-04:00

I'm attending a wedding this weekend so it'll be slow blogging this weekend, however have no fear...I'll be back before you know it!!

Have a blessed weekend!

I'm NOT my hair...or am I?

2008-09-25T09:51:00.010-04:00

I was pleasantly surprised that I handled my hair loss so well...but honestly when you're fighting for your life, whether or not you have hair on your head seems like a pretty trivial thing to worry about. So what if I look like an alien on the sci-fi channel or as yoda frrom Star Wars fame...my focus remained on kicking cancer's butt!! My love affair with mirrors goes as far back as I can remember...there were times when we didn't see eye to eye but like anything worth fighting for, we were able to overcome our differences and overall we've had a beautiful relationship. I've had some of the best times of my life with my friend mirror...so the idea that I could no longer stand the sight of one is a little unsettling to say the least.

I almost skipped writing about this chapter in my life, fearing that I might come across as super shallow...I decided to move forward because if I didn't, I wouldn't be true to myself and if I'm not true to myself...then the writing should stop here. Censoring my journey is not what I signed up for, so I'm apologizing in advance if there's anyone out there who might view this post differently. I'm aware that there are many people who are still fighting for their life and my thoughts and prayers are with them always. However, my battle of the bulge, hate affair with my locks, and pure displeasure with all that cancer has left behind deserves a voice.

A year ago, I was told that I would lose all of my hair to chemotherapy. Today I'm proud to announce that there's quite a bit of activity on my head, unfortunately for me my hair has taken on a life of it's own, quickly becoming more foe than friend.

I knew things were getting bad when I found myself trying to avoid mirrors like people trying to avoid the plague. I view every new stand of hair I have as a symbol of the war I won against cancer...yet in the end what I've come to realize is that I'm still a woman. I have needs, wants, hope's, aspirations and dreams. I've spent the last year of my life trying to make sense of this senseless disease which has actually turned into a welcomed distraction from the physical transformations I was going through. I didn't have time to wallow or pity myself, yet now it seems as if I have nothing but time on my hands...as I've spent the last seven days obsessing about my TWA(teeny weeny afro) and wondering how I can make it go away, hoping against hope that I could get the real "Kia" to make a guest appearance...maybe even stay awhile.

I was so tired of looking like a powder puff girl that I decided to take matters into my own hands...that's right, I got a weave!! My options were a perm and haircut which I would have to maintain with weekly/bi-weekly visits to the salon or a weave...a temporary solution that will last up to three months, with very little maintenance. No brainer for me, a weave it was. This will give my hair a chance to grow and hopefully get to the point where I can manage my new found texture without wanting to scream!

The physical, mental, and emotional effects of cancer are constantly revealing themselves even months after your last treatment or surgery. It should no surprise, but somehow it always is. You've done all that was required of you like a good girl or boy...so pass me my "A's" and let me move on to the next grade...easier said than done.

Dirty rotten scoundrals...

2008-09-24T00:24:00.004-04:00

If I didn't want my blog to remain PG-13 (the "13" is because I talk about ovaries and such) ,I would be lighting up the page with a few choice words that I only utter in private...

As I told you before I have a friend that is battling breast cancer, a single mother of 3. She's completed months and months of chemo and radiation all of which she worked through...dragging herself each and every day to the office when she should have been able to stay in bed and allow her body the chance to recuperate from the toxic poison's that were just dumped into her body.

She's at a point where the effects of the chemo have taken a toll on her body and she needs time off to get herself better. She has the documentation from her doctor to support her request for short term disability(which she pays into by the way), yet that isn't enough for her company.

How is it possible that we live in a country where it's possible to go from being able to pay your bills and keep a roof over your head on Tuesday, to not knowing where you're going to get your next meal from by Thursday...This is not just the story of my friend, it's the story of many...

When are we going to start holding these companies accountable for their actions and stop praising them for the great job they do cutting corners and utilizing loopholes to gain even more profits?

How do you get through the storm...coping with Ovarian Cancer

2008-09-22T22:08:00.004-04:00

As September comes to a close, I wanted to remind everyone that although September is "officially" Ovarian Cancer Awareness month, the symptoms for Ovarian Cancer are something that we should all be aware of every day. I've seen more ad's and article's about Ovarian Cancer this past month than I've ever seen and I'd hate to see the momentum disappear.

A friend from NY e-mailed me today to let me know that she shared a taxi with Kathy Bates this morning. Before you get your britches in a bunch, they didn't actually share a ride, Kathy was on a commercial playing in the taxi...a commercial about the symptoms and warning signs of Ovarian Cancer and as a former New Yorker I can tell you that this is great exposure because New Yorker's spend a great deal of their day riding around town in taxi's.

OVCA is no longer silent. The symptoms are vague and they may require you to be a little more diligent and in tune to what's happening with your body, but they're there...we should never be afraid to voice our concerns...no matter how small or trivial they may seem.

bloating
abdominal pain
frequent or urgent urination
pain during intercourse
back pain
feeling full quickly
nausea or gas

Since being diagnosed with cancer, I've often been praised for how well I've dealt with my illness. Although I appreciate the compliments I don't think that I'm any different than anyone else whose been faced with an unwanted/unplanned/unpleasant detour in life. I don't think I made a conscience effort to approach it with an open mind, things move so fast once you're diagnosed that you have no choice but to move forward and I wouldn't be human if I didn't admit that some days were harder than others. I still have days where I literally don't know how to put one foot in front of the other in order to get from point A to point B. Sometimes it's because I don't know what to do next and other time's it's because I'm afraid that once I take that step forward, the other shoe is bound to drop.

Here are few things that helped me navigate my journey...

Family and Friends
My belief in God and that we're never given more than we can bare
Support groups(Ovarian Cancer Alliance of Florida and Daily Strength)
Positive Thinking
The ability to allow myself to grieve
Communication(not the easiest thing to do)
A good cup of tea
A good laugh
A day or two where I left cancer at home(thanks to my husband)

If you're reading my journal and you're battling a monster of your own, I encourage you to leave a comment about what tools/resources you used to weather the storm. Sharing because you care enough to, is the only way we can all get through this...

Teal Is The New Black...

2008-09-21T00:11:00.004-04:00

Blogging is sooooooo freakin cool! I can't believe I stayed away from it as long as I did...why didn't someone let me know how much fun I've been missing? I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. Through blogging we have the power to help, support, and encourage one another across oceans...

I've added a few things to my website that I want to make mention of. First, if you look to your right I've added a poll about how often you go to the doctor. As I've said before my mission is to increase awareness of Ovarian Cancer in addition to helping all woman become empowered when it comes to taking control of their health. The poll is simple, you only have 4 options...all I ask is that you be honest with me and most importantly honest with yourself.

I'll be the first one to admit that time can get away from me and it's okay. Sometimes we push things like visits to the doctor aside, especially when we're feeling good. So if you're someone who can't remember the last time you went to the doctor don't feel bad about it, take action. Hopefully my blog and poll will inspire you to make that dreaded appointment.

The second thing I'd like you to take notice of are the entries under my favorite websites(lower right side)...dailystrength is a online support group for everything under the sun. It was and still proves to be a valuable resource for me as I continue my journey. I've met a wonderful group of woman there...feel free to stop by...lurk...or hopefully join in, I promise you won't regret it. The other website is a PERSONAL favorite...Teal Is The New Black is a website I created to help me get my message out there. There's some great information on Ovarian Cancer, woman and minority health care issues and a message board/forum that I hope at some point will be rocking as much as facebook does...

You'll here a lot from me about teal, as I along with many other woman hope that one day it will be synonymous with Ovarian Cancer as pink is to breast cancer.

Back on the wagon...

2008-09-19T23:07:00.008-04:00

So there are ton's of side effects with chemotherapy. Constant reminders of what your going through and what's happening to your body as a direct result. I'm having trouble kicking one of my side effects to the curb. It's really good at lingering even though it's completely worn out it's welcome. I'm feeling pretty good now, I no longer have use for it, yet it doesn't seem to get the hint. It sits on my hips, my thighs, my stomach, my arms, my legs...okay you get the idea. Who gains weight on chemo? ME! I ate enough to feed a third world country. My hubby(never thought I'd be the type to use the word hubby, but I love it), he ate out of solidarity, hence the reason behind his extra pounds...I won't disclose his tally...maybe he'll do a guest blog and share some of his secrets...after-all I wouldn't want to mis-represent him by getting his numbers wrong:)

My treatments were on Tuesday's, once every three weeks. The infusion process is about 4 hours. Your first one is a bit longer, because everything is new to you. You start your "cocktail" off with some fluids and some not-so-friendly-to-a-girl's-figure steroids...followed by benadryl(prevents allergic reactions, makes you so so happy, and knocks you out) chased with anti-nausea med's and the first bag of chemo...after the first bag you are given an even nicer cocktail that starts with even better anti nausea meds and for me a second bag of chemo.

The effects of my chemo usually subsided by Sunday with Saturday being my first almost normal day and the day that my major eating commenced...my food of choice...Chinese! Besides being so yummy, food kept my nausea at bay...and if you know me at all you know that throwing-up is my least favorite thing to do, see, hear, or smell on this planet!! My biggest concern about getting cancer and having chemo was whether or not I was going to throw-up. We've all seen the movies...I can't imagine a worst punishment for me than a room full of throw-up, hooked up to a pole that's attached to a socket in my chest, with no where to run.

I was kind of proud of myself at first...weird huh? I mean it felt pretty good to say, yes I'm keeping my food down, nope no problems eating, yes everythings great...I felt like a champion...a superstar, it was one less thing that Ovarian Cancer had over me. I had a steady gain of about 5 pounds per session...Hey, when I do things, I do them right...no half steppin here!

So here I am blogging about food, thinking about what kind of "treat" I'll give myself for finishing this entry...I haven't decided yet but I know it will be low in points. Yes, weight watcher points...back to the drawing board for me. I've got my handy dandy scale and measuring cup and I'm getting pretty good at counting out my 20 mini pretzels, I can even count them in my sleep.

The great thing is that I know I'm not alone. The more I speak out about Ovarian Cancer the more wonderful women I meet and the more I realize that it's okay and things do get better. You can check out some of their fabulous blogs if you'd like, I've got them listed under "my blog list". There are so many reminders of what we've been through and for most of us our lives will never be the same. We didn't surrender to cancer and we won't surrender to anything that cancer has left behind...including a few extra pounds.

Many say that eating healthy and maintaining your weight is so important when you are fighting an illness like cancer and I agree. For me, I threw caution to the wind and went with whatever made me feel good and in the end I think that's all that matters. Doing what's right for you.

Nothing to fear, but fear itself...my day at a health fair

2008-09-16T22:27:00.006-04:00

I spent most of today at a minority health fair in Orlando sponsored by Tom Joyner's, Take a loved one to the doctor day. I worked with the Ovarian Cancer Alliance of Florida, a wonderful group of woman who have made tremendous strides in spreading awareness all across central Florida..and for whom I am so glad I had in my corner.

I'm so proud of all of the people who decided to come out today and take part in the free screenings for diabetes, prostate cancer, cholesterol, HIV AIDS and many other illness' that plague our community. It's not easy to face your fears and for many, fear of the unknown and fear of Doctor's go hand and hand. A lot of us walk through life seemingly oblivious to all that surrounds us, while secretly praying that diseases like diabetes, cancer, or HIV AIDS stay as far away from us as possible. Yet, deep down we all know that no one is exempt.

What I realized most from my experience today is that there are a lot of people in this world working to help make a difference in someones life. They weren't just there to test you and send you on your merry way, they were there to provide valuable resources that can help you in your journey. My question is how do we get more information about those resources out there to ease the minds of many.

One of my biggest concerns when I started my mission is that my words wouldn't live past the moment. I don't worry so much about those who have medical insurance. I'm comfortable knowing that when I share my journey with them, many of them will have access to resources that will help them, should that time ever come. What leaves me restless is wondering what happens to women who don't have those resources? Like I've said before, education and awareness are great, but what happens after that? How do the 47 million Americans who remain uninsured act on the information and education that we work so hard to provide them with?

I had a few woman who tried to walk by us, while still trying to take a sneak peek at our display. It was as if cancer was contagious and that by acknowledging it's presence they would some how go home with it as a parting gift. I had moments where I felt that no matter how much I stressed that Ovarian Cancer is not something that can be detected by your yearly pap smear and that I was proof positive that it doesn't discriminate...I still had the feeling that a lot women remained disconnected with what I was saying. I'll go on record to say that I might be overreacting a bit considering how passionate I am about this disease, but whatever the case, it just makes me want to work harder to get my message out there.

A thief called "Ovarian Cancer"

2008-09-15T18:05:00.004-04:00

There's a new thief in my town and it goes by the name of CANCER! There's nothing you can do to protect yourself...you just have to be ready to do battle when the time comes. It's presence in my life has robbed me of so much and there are times when I still can't let go of all of the anger. Some days are better than others but this weekend I had one of those not so good or accepting days. Cancer has stolen my hair, my choice to have natural children, my ability to get life insurance or any other secondary insurance for that matter, and most importantly the lives of way too many people. With that said and as angry as I am, I refuse to let it steal my focus, drive, determination, or identity.

When I have these moments I'm so grateful that I am able to stop and check myself. I know now more than ever that I'm here for a purpose.

I often think about a woman that I had chemo with a few times. We were diagnosed around the same time and pretty close in age, she was 38. She was diagnosed with late stage Ovarian Cancer. Armed with a smile, always laughing and just a pleasure to be around you would never know that she carried the weight of the world on her shoulders. Sadly, my chemo friend lost her battle with Ovarian Cancer just a couple months after I last saw her...bringing her 9 month journey to a rapid end. When I last saw her, she told me that she had kicked cancer's butt and she was saying goodbye forever to the chemo room. I'm sure she had the same feelings as I did about that room, as nice as the nurses and other patients were...it's probably one of those places you could have gone your entire life without ever seeing. I envied her way of thinking and positive outlook. I use that inspiration daily, more than she will ever know. She left behind a husband and two little boys, who although I've never met, I also think about often.

I fight this fight with, alongside, and for beautiful woman all around the world. I don't know where my mission will take me, but I plan to make sure I enjoy every step of my journey.

Tomorrow I will be helping out with the Ovarian Cancer Alliance of Florida at a community health fair(Take a loved one to the Doctor day). I'm so excited to have this opportunity to give back and hopefully help someone else along the way. I encourage you all to think about those around you who could really benefit from a ride to the doctor, the grocery store, or even an afternoon stroll around the park. It's so much easier to do things together, yet people can't seem to resist the impulse to go it alone.

Care-Givers...the forgotten ones

2008-09-09T21:21:00.007-04:00

Between the phone calls, floral delivery's and e-mail, it's often hard to keep up with all of the fan-fare that surrounds you when you are first diagnosed with an illness like cancer. However, sometime between dealing with your new "reality" and your new "normal" life as we know it goes on for the rest of the world, often leaving you with a feeling of loneliness and alienation. For some, the new found quiet is deafening. The silence is unbearable. Personally, I relished the idea that life would go on as normal, it somehow made what I was going through less real or even secondary. It was a good cover; the first person to blow my cover was my husband, because if you ask him...he'll probably say that cancer often came first. Whether it was anticipating the next chemo, the next doctor's appointment or scan...cancer was always there.

You can add the job of care-giver to the ever-growing list of the most under appreciated jobs in our country. They often feel scared, helpless, and frustrated... and in need of their own personal escape from reality. Their new reality. Only there's no escape...they're in it for the long run and the long haul. Just when you don't think you can't go any further or when you're not sure if winning the battle is worth fighting the war...they're right there beside you cheering you along the whole way.

I remember going to an Ovarian Cancer fundraising luncheon with my husband. They asked all of the Ovarian Cancer patients to stand up, followed by all of the survivors. They then asked that all of the care-givers stand up. Wow, the care-givers...this underrated, awesome group of individuals that never tire. I had chills. I held back my tears, because once I get going there's no telling when things will simmer down. It was at that moment that I first realized that this is their battle too. As the patient you often get consumed with all that you have to endure and the reality that something like this is actually happening to you. Too often we forget to stop and take notice of those around us. Those who make this road we're on a little easier to travel..

So when we celebrate, we can't forget our biggest champions. We can't forget how much harder this fight would be, without them by our side.

We're all looking and longing to be free... each in our own way.

Teal Time...taking control of cancer

2008-09-06T15:10:00.006-04:00

Yesterday, September 5th was the 3rd annual "Teal Time", a day when everyone was asked to wear teal in an effort to create awareness for Ovarian Cancer. My hubby and I did our part, as you can see from the pics I've included. We looked like tourist at Disney world, which is actually pretty close to where we live. It is the hope of many woman that we can make the color teal as synonymous with Ovarian Cancer as pink is with Breast Cancer. Don't be sad if you missed yesterday's teal, you still have a chance to join in every Tuesday for the rest of September.

You'll see from the picture's that my hair is starting to grow back. It's kind of a tight curly fro, I'm trying to go without a relaxer as long as I can...we'll see how that works out. Once it starts to grow, it moves pretty fast. I went from looking like Yoda to looking like Angela Davis in a matter of weeks:)

Before I was diagnosed I had shoulder length hair. I had been growing it out for a year or so,before then I use to wear it very short and sassy. Truth is I go back and forth, especially when I see someone sporting the opposite of what I have at the moment.

All of the literature I read after my diagnosis said that one way to take control of the cancer was to cut your hair before it starts to fall out. Not ALL chemo will take your hair out. However, the two types that I had(Taxotere and Carboplatin) were not the exception. One of the first things my doctor told me after telling me I had to have chemo was that I would DEFINITELY lose all of my hair.

While sitting in my first chemo, I called my hairdresser to schedule a cut for the next day. I had no idea what side effects chemo would give me, but I knew that I didn't want to see my hair shedding in the shower or laying on my pillowcase when I woke up. My hairdresser speaks Spanish and a handful of English, so I'm not sure she understood what I was saying as I screamed into the phone...I HAVE CANCER, I HAVE TO HAVE MY HAIR CUT!
Armed with my best friend by my side, I walked into the hairdresser the day after chemo to take control...although I was groggy and sleepy I proceeded to explain my story. Next thing I know, the waterworks are flying and my stylist is ushering me in the back. She sat me down and proceeded to pray for me. So now here I am crying harder and harder.

All I can say is thank goodness my friend was there(thanks Tasha). I was in no shape to carry on with my movement. Tasha explained what I wanted done(of course this is all secondhand information, I heard none of this) and my hair cut was complete.

I want to say thank you to a anonymous woman. When I turned to pay my hairdresser, she let me know that someone in the shop had already paid my bill. A woman who didn't know me, but had heard my story paid my bill. A life changing, heart wrenching day, was brought to a close by the beautiful gesture of a complete stranger.

Stand UP 2 Cancer and more....

2008-09-04T13:03:00.006-04:00

There's so much going on in my brain right now. There was once a time...actually just a week ago...when I thought I wouldn't have enough to say on this blog. Now I've got so much to say, I can't figure out what to write down first.

So here goes...

Tomorrow, Friday September 5th all three major networks will air "STAND-UP 2 CANCER" simultaneously, starting at 8pm est. It's a star studded event to help raise awareness of this senseless disease that claims the life of 1 person every minute of the day, 1500 people a day. 1500 of our son's, daughters, mother's, father's, and children die everyday. As Charlie Gibson put it this morning, we spend more money on checking purses and shoes at the airport than we do on Cancer research. Before you get started, I truly believe that we should invest money in keeping our country safe and we should do whatever it takes to make that happen. I think in some instances, like airport security we need to be willing and able to revisit the situation and assess whether or not we still need the same measures to support that cause. I know it's easier said than done but we have to figure out how to distribute funding so that no one is slighted. The main reason behind Stand Up 2 Cancer is that we are so close to a breakthrough and cure for cancer, but with limited funded, less and less everyday...we're never going to get there. We'll be taking great strides, BACKWARDS!

This brings me to my next dilemma.

As I've said before, my mission is to spread awareness of Ovarian Cancer. It's also my mission to bring awareness of this disease as well as others to the attention of the underprivileged people in our society who are being left for dead due to the disparities in health care. It's great that we are educating more and more people each day, but how do we get these people to take notice and follow up with a visit to their doctor? How do we get people who don't have insurance to trust the "system". People who are willing to deal with all of the aggravation that comes along with trying to get equal and fare attention and treatment from qualified health professionals. That's the question I don't have answers to. Yes there are free clinic's and emergency rooms that some people(I won't name names) actually think is the answer to it all. Funny, because just a few months ago a woman ended up dead on an emergency room floor in Brooklyn while waiting endless hours to receive care. What do we say to people like that? What do we say to their families?

I'm frustrated. I feel guilty. Guilty because I was fortunate enough to have a two-three week wait between the discovery of my mass and surgery to remove it. Followed by chemotherapy shortly thereafter. The prompt attention and swift call to action its the reason I am here today. How do I convince other women that they have the same chance with early detection and quality treatment? I'm not sure I can.

Moving on after cancer...

2008-09-02T18:46:00.004-04:00

For some it's easier said than done. I just came back from my Dr.'s appointment, it was the 8 week follow-up after my hysterectomy. I had blood drawn to check my CA-125 level(a blood test that's used to detect the presence of cancer in your body). Normal range is from 0-35, if that comes back all-clear, I see the Doc in 3 months. Wow, 3 months without worrying if and when the other shoe is going to drop. I've been out of chemo for almost 6 months and although it gets easier to proceed with your everyday life, you can't help but reminded that there is a big fat TEAL elephant in the room. Can we ever really move on?

I will say this...I think about cancer less and less each day. When I was first diagnosed and going through treatment it was all I could think about. Your life and unfortunately the lives of those who care for you become consumed with it. I still think about it, but little by little I find myself planning and looking forward to the future. Getting back to work, becoming the best OVCA advocate I can be, adopting kids...getting on with my wonderful life. But along the way, you can't help but to think about those who have lost their lives to this senseless disease. People you know, many who you don't...but who nonetheless meant the world to someone of this earth. Sometimes you feel guilty. Why were you the chosen one and not them? They call it survivors guilt. Here I am, laughing and joking at the Dr's office, enjoying the taste of yummy food afterwards, and taking in the view of my "new" curly hair when that person you sat next to in chemo is no longer here.

When you're going through treatment you know where you stand. You know how many rounds of chemo you have to have, you know what days you have to have your blood work completed...there's a plan, a schedule, a purpose. A once independent and ambitious person, suddenly finds them self looking for direction, acceptance, and approval. When does it ever feel like cancer was apart of your journey and not something that defines you?

September is Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month!

2008-09-01T20:50:00.001-04:00

September is Ovarian Cancer Awareness month!

I'm proud to be a part of this sisterhood. I've met an amazing group of women who share in the fight to beat this disease. To all of the advocates, Doctor's, and nurses who make our journey just a little easier I say thank you and god Bless you!

Don't we have a right to be sick?

2008-08-31T19:25:00.005-04:00

It's been a pretty quiet Sunday, I'm in Florida so it doesn't really feel like Labor Day weekend...nothing that suggest it's the end of summer, probably because it's always summer here.

One of the biggest changes in my life after cancer(we'll call it AC), is that I've become "Aware". I'm more in tune with what's going on around me, be it people, places, or things. Today as I was peaking out of my window (I do that often...I guess you could call me a nosey neighbor) there seemed to be an unusual amount of kids playing outside. Again, this might have been normal activity for them...but as I said earlier I've become a lot more aware. Hearing the laughter and fun made me think back to when I was a kid. When my biggest concern was what I would wear to school the next day or if my BFF(Best Friend Forever)would have a nice long juicy note for me to read during band:)

The carefree sound of children playing also brought me back to a conversation I had earlier with a fellow survivor who just completed chemo and radiation for breast cancer. She's fighting the biggest fight of her life while working and raising three kids on her own. I won't go into intimate details about her journey, but I will say this...it was determined by her and her doctor that she needed to take a little time off of work to re-coup after chemo for health reasons. For those of you that don't know, chemo is used to kill all of the bad cancer cells in your body. Unfortunately the chemo doesn't know the difference between a healthy cell and a bad cell, so it ends up killing all of your cells. The wear and tear on your body is intense. You're being flushed with deadly toxin's weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly depending on your diagnosis. For my friend, a doctor's note wasn't good enough for her employer. They require additional testing so that they can determine if she's eligible for short term disability.

Rounds and rounds of chemo, radiation, scans, blood work...aren't good enough for them. They want more. How much more can she deliver? Isn't a diagnosis of BREAST CANCER enough? You work hard all of your life so that you are prepared for and okay when something like cancer happens to you. Why should you have to deal with the stress of trying to figure out how you're going to make ends meet while fighting for your life? It makes me so angry that people all over the country are fighting the same battle while carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. STRESS is the one thing that you should avoid when fighting any illness and for many people including my friend, it's unavoidable. Half of the battle against cancer is a positive spirit and outlook, how do we achieve that when BS gets in our way?

Education = life...

2008-08-30T19:13:00.001-04:00

Ovarian Cancer is scary I'll admit that. Whenever I tell someone that I had it, the look on their face tells it all. They are scared to death. It's a household name that's often referred to as the "silent killer". Great, I was diagnosed with a disease that's often referred to as the silent killer. Talk about unlucky...what are the chances of that? They say about 1 and 55. About 22, 000 people are diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer each year, about 15, 000 of those people will die. Ovarian Cancer is an aggressive disease in itself, but what compound's the situation is that it is often diagnosed in the later stages quickly diminishing your chances of survival.

Over time what I've realized is that yes it's scary as all illness' are. We're afraid of the unknown, we're afraid of the treatment's, surgeries, loss of control, employment , friends, family and everything else that comes along being sick. What most don't realize is that taking a pro-active stand with your body and health care can save your life. It will make that big, bad, scary disease...not so bad.

I won't sugar coat things, Cancer is awful!!! Every one's journey is different. Many will undergo surgery, chemotherapy, radiation...sometimes all three. In most cases you lose your hair, appetite, weight, and your zest for living. Because your bodies immune system is greatly compromised during treatment, you are susceptible infections and other illness'. It's not an easy battle and for many it's a battle that they will face for the rest of their lives. There's no magic pill that can stop you from getting sick but there are preventative measures that you can take that will help you in your fight.

I now realize that although I knew about Ovarian Cancer, I was never clear about how it was detected and diagnosed. I've been going to the gyn for half of my adult life and I had no idea how things worked. Since my diagnosis, I've met a number of woman who join me in that club. I can't think of how many times someone asked me if my cancer was detected through a pap smear. A pap smear is used to detect Cervical Cancer. I too was always under the impression that if my pap smear came back okay then I was set to rock and roll until my next exam...silly me.

There is no one test to determine if you have Ovarian Cancer. The symptoms are very vague. How vague you say? Try these on for size...bloating, frequent or urgent urination, pelvic pain, abdominal pain, gas, back aches. See what I mean? These are all symptoms that women feel at any given time of the month.

If you are feeling any of these symptoms persist it's important that you are able to articulate that to your Dr. A trans-vaginal ultrasound is then performed to see if there are any abnormalities. That's how the mass on my right ovary was located. There's a blood test called a CA125 that is given in conjunction with the trans-vaginal ultrasound when Ovarian Cancer is suspected. Surgery is often confirmed after these steps are taken, which is where you get your true diagnosis. In my opinion a trans-vaginal ultrasound should be performed during every gyn exam....unfortunately insurance company's(don't get me started on them) won't pay for it unless it's warranted(whatever that means).

I had no control over getting cancer. But I had control over my body and how to respect it. Keeping up with my check-ups saved my life. We don't have to be victims. Arm yourself with knowledge. We have to educate ourselves, no one's going to do it for us. Dr.'s are often in a rush, but who cares. Know your health history when you go to the Dr., ask them exactly what they're testing for, let them know if you might be at risk for any hereditary illness'. My best advice is go to a Dr. you like and trust. Don't be afraid to go to someone else if you don't feel like you're getting what you need. Last thing, don't be afraid to talk to other people. Share your story and share your story often. Don't forget to listen when other's share theirs.

Umm...I'm back

2008-08-29T21:59:00.000-04:00

Wow, as I said back in December when I lasted blogged...I've never been good with diaries and journals. I'm one of those people trys really hard to keep it going, only for it to fall by the waist side:) We'll not any more...

Let's see, when we last left off I was probably getting ready for my 3rd or 4th treatment. Since then I've completed all eight of my treatments, had a cat scan that came back clear, and followed up with a hysterectomy. Yep, they took all of my girlie parts in July. I'm feeling pretty awesome, thanks to The Davinci Robot. It's a less invasive way to have a hysterectomy, giving you a shorter recover time and less scaring. Dr.'s guide the robot during surgery enabling them to get everything they need to including extensive tissue samples of surrounding lymph nodes.

I didn't have kids prior to my surgery, but I'm okay with that. I'm blessed and grateful to be alive. Don't get me wrong, I've had my moments. I won't pretend that this something that I haven't struggled with. It's super hard when you see mother's and father's with their children living the American dream. I'll always live with a sense of sadness for myself, but mainly a sense of lost for my husband and what I'm not able to give him.

The great thing about my husband and I is that we are both warm and loving people...seriously, people love us:) We had always planned to adopt at some point. We often joke that my husband has wounded bird syndrome, he will take in anyone in need of a hand up. We love people...whether they're related to us, born to us, or just someone who needs a helping hand. So I know that we will have children someday and I'm excited about what's in store for us.

I've launched a new campaign. As most who are reading this know, Ovarian Cancer(often referred to as the silent killer) is the number 1 gynecologic cancer death amongst woman. They say 1 and 55 woman will be affected by this disease. They say around 22, 000 people each year are diagnosed and out of that 22,000 about 15,000 will die from the disease. And cancer, like many other illness' are shortening the lives of many woman. Throughout my journey, I've learned a lot about the disparities in health care when it comes to minorities and their Caucasian counterparts. As an African-American woman I was surprised to see a void in the number of women being treated who looked like me. Only to find out later that yes minorities were diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer, they just weren't living as long. African-American and Hispanic women are not living as long due to lack of health care options, a breakdown in communication and education, and of course a lack of awareness. Because of these startling statistics and because I've been blessed with a second chance at life I've made it my mission to help as many women as can. Even if it means saving one life at a time. We may not be able to avoid illness' such as Cancer, diabetes, and hypertension but we can arm ourselves with enough ammunition to take control of our outcome.

I've recently connected with some wonderful woman who were gracious enough to give me a swift kick into action. Thank you ladies, you know who you are!!!

Going to the Dr...

2007-12-11T10:02:00.001-05:00

I have my standard pre-chemo Dr.'s appointment today. I'm actually experiencing a little pain in my abdomen today, so I'm kind of looking forward to it...My Dr. is AWESOME, I know I'm in very good hands. Today I will also find out what my CA-125 is. CA-125 is a blood test that you take, it's an indicates the presence of a tumor in your body. The official definition is "CA 125 is a protein that is a so–called tumor marker or biomarker, which is a substance that is found in greater concentration in tumor cells than in other cells of the body. In particular, CA 125 is present in greater concentration in ovarian cancer cells than in other cells. Its function is not currently understood. CA stands for cancer antigen." The normal range is from 0-35, when I went in for my surgery I was at 59. After 1 round of chemo my count went to 27, followed by a count of 15. I pray is stays normal. Next week is my 4th round of chemo, I will officially be at the half way mark. It's going by really fast, but not fast enough...if that makes any sense:) The actually chemo isn't bad, it doesn't really hit until the 3rd or 4th day after...it's a feeling of being extremely exhausted and lethargic...you kind of feel like you're in another world. The nausea is manageable, at least for me(with the help of the anti-nausea meds)I'm very grateful that the side effects for me are minimal...You also become really emotional, I cry at happy things, sad things, even scary things, lol...I think crying is therapeutic, bring on the waterworks!!!

Getting use to "Blogging"

2007-12-08T19:48:00.001-05:00

It's sort of an effort, huh? I mean you have so much to say and yet it's a bit challenging to sit and write it all down. This mentality is probably why I could never keep a diary or journal going...I really want my cancer to mean something...that might sound strange...but the way I see it...if I can flush out everything that's in my mind, while on this journey...I believe something will be revealed. I know that there is no rhyme or reason as to who gets sick, who stays healthy, or when we leave this earth...however I know that there is a purpose for everything...

My husband(Dan) and I are painting this weekend, a couple of accent walls in our family room. I can't wait to see the end result. It's nice to do things like this, it's a great reminder that you are normal and that life doesn't stop with an illness...which is easier said than done.

Kia