My house is a mess, I'm a mess(still carrying these 30 extra chemo pounds), I'm completely unorganized and yet things have never been better(health-wise and career-wise). I'm not complaining, I'm venting. Today is the first day in a long time that I've felt beaten up and broken. Today my camouflage comes off and if you don't want to see what's underneath I suggest you stop reading now.
I spend a lot of time and energy working to inspire people dealing with cancer or any critical illness. I want them to see that you can get to the other side and that life does go on. I believe in that. I believe that my journey will help someone else in their journey.
Today I had more quiet time than I've had in a long time and I think my thoughts got the best of me. I'm still angry. I'm angry at cancer. I'm angry for me, for the people who walked before me and for the people who will walk after me. I'm tired. I spend so much time rah rahing and advocating for the greater good that I've almost convinced myself that cancer has been okay. That I am okay with my path. Just to be clear, I'm not okay with...but I understand it. I know that I'm not the only person in the world, dealing with unwanted issues. These feelings don't make me ungrateful, they make me real. Human. Honest.
These feelings make me remember that I'm still broken. And that it's okay to say out loud for the world to hear, CANCER SUCKS!!!! Because it does...
5 comments:
Kia,
I just started following your blog.
I'm so with you ... with this post. I am feeling so broken and beaten and yet need to stay 'up' for everyone else.
It's just a matter of time ... somewhere we do find the spirit, the strength, the will to fight back.
You will be strong again,
Daria
Like Daria, I just started following your blog recently and have to say that you have every right in the world to be angry with what has happened!
Here is how I describe how I am at the moment - and most days - is, "I'm not a fragile flower, but I'm not ok. I have to move forward. What other choice is there?"
I think that is all we can ask of ourselves many days. (And, sometimes, that is more than we can ask.)
hey sweetie - I'm in the same boat. Always trying to be upbeat, positive, as if this was a good experience [I bet you've said it too; 'oh I have learned SO much...I'm a better person' blah blah]
And I have. And I think I am. But I'd have preferred to learn and gain from some less revolting experience!
You'd be a bit odd if you weren't pissed at it ;o) I learnt a good expression from Sam - it's the 'Negative Din'. It's sneaks up on you the minute you stop rushing about 'doing stuff'.
It will get better. Remember, we're still pretty new at this. :o)
Big hug
x
Hi Girls!
Thanks for the follow! Things are good today. Allowing ourselves to have a moment is the best medicing there is. Today is a new day and I'm feeling good!
xoxo
Hey Kia (and friends)
Thanks for always sharing your true feelings... you are inspiring even in your down moments. Know that you are loved, supported and appreciated!!
Sending hugs to all of you,
Dawn
Post a Comment