Thursday, June 17, 2010

My love/hate relationship with Cancer...

So I took an unintentional hiatus and although I didn't plan it, I believe it was suppose to happen. I'm playing a secret game of tug or war with Ovarian Cancer. It's always been a love hate relationship but lately it's been more of a "I'm just going to pretend you don't exist" type of relationship.

I was watching The Celebrity Apprentice a few weeks ago and Sharon Osbourne(Rocker Mom, Wife of Rock-star Ozzy Osbourne and Colon Cancer Survivor) said something that really struck a cord with me. When asked why it was so important for her to win Celebrity Apprentice, she admitted that it was because she felt like she owed a debt that she had to repay. She promised that she would do everything she could to raise awareness and money for Colon Cancer if her life was spared.

There's a big part of me that feels the same way. I feel like I'm not doing my part or pulling my weight in the fight against Ovarian Cancer. I'm losing my zest and that makes me sad.

I just had my 4-month check-up, my CA125 is slightly elevated. At 13 it's well within normal range, my doctor didn't seem on the other hand had a bit of a pit in my stomach and I still do. I went to an outside lab for my blood work instead of getting it done at the hospital where I normally do, so I'm thinking that could have been a factor. Who knows...I go back in 3-months, I choose 3 instead of makes me feel like I've got some control...a rarity with this disease.

I think I have to get back on the wagon, when I was ACTIVELY doing something I definitely felt better. It helped me to make sense of this senseless disease. Without that, I've become increasingly angry and resentful, not a good look at all!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

MIA from Cancer...

Let's see...over the past month that I've been MIA from cancer, I forgot I had jury duty, I haven't gotten my port flushed in a really long time, I planned and hosted a 9 year old birthday party, I've been enjoying life and feeling a little guilty because I'm becoming so far removed from my mission.

First off, I NEVER miss jury duty, I LOVE's a perfect time to just do nothing and when doing nothing is acceptable. I could probably become a career jury duty lady of leisure, how fantastic that would be! The port flush is another story, my doctors office changed the the policy for getting flushes and it's sooooooo daunting, so I've chosen the high road. I simply tuck it away in that little part of brain where things go to hang out when I don't want to deal with them, only revisiting often enough to say, "I need to get my port flush, I keep forgetting"...ha ha. After that little moment, away it goes again...until we meet again.

It's amazing how far removed from my cancer diagnosis I am, yet how close we remain. It's like that friend you don't have to speak to for years, yet when you's like riding a bike, we pick up right where we left off. I still can't believe that was me, bald and rocking it, chemo bound and scared out of my mind. I don't ever want to lose my connection with cancer, I hate her...but I love who I've become because of her. There are those moments like today that I still get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. We stopped by a sports bar near home for some wings and a memory came racing back to me. It was a few days before my first surgery, a few days before my word would change forever. We went to watch a football game at the bar and I was so sick to my stomach, we had to leave early. I wanted no food, I really wanted to get rid of the nausea that plagued me, and I wanted whatever was growing inside me to go away. Even as I write this, the tears are flowing...I'm okay now, yet there was a real chance I wouldn't be.

I've got to get back on the wagon. I've got to continue to speak out and speak loud about this RIDICULOUS disease!! More to come on that...I pray that whatever your journey is, that you are navigating your way through with the love and support of more people than you can handle, enjoying and living in the moment!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Life's been good...good and busy!!

Busy, Busy, has been a busy few weeks. So busy that I'm wayyyyyyyyyy overdue for my port flush, I'm slowly but surely leaving cancer in the dust!

So much to tell...let's start with the annual "Teal Magnolia Luncheon", which I attended on Saturday March 27th. Teal Magnolia is a luncheon hosted by the Ovarian Cancer Alliance of Florida...the lovely group of women who do so much for the education and awareness of Ovarian Cancer. It's so nice to see so many people come out in support of this not so silent disease, I am humbled and inspired by all of my sisters who are fighting this disease. It's also nice to see my nurses and doctors outside of the hospital or chemo room. You put your trust & life in the hands of these individuals for months and in some cases years, I remain grateful to them all for the care I received and the care the continue to dole out to others.

The hard part about the luncheon for me is always coming face to face with my sisters who are still in the fight, those who continue to go through recurrence after recurrence. It's interesting, when I was first diagnosed I remember saying on more than one occasion "Why me?" I find myself saying "why them?"...haven't they been through enough? It's a great reminder that the fight is not over and that I'm fighting for me and all of those who aren't up to the fight.

The other highlight of my time away from my blog has been the release of the movie I worked on last summer "Letters To God". It's a story of hope. The story of an eight-year old boy in the fight of his life with cancer and while fighting he manages to inspire all of those around him. It's a bit of a tear-jerker but it's an even bigger message of hope. If you're reading this blog, I'm asking you to take your friends and family to see "Letters To God". Whether you are Christian or not, we need more people to wake up and think about someone other than themselves. Life's too short and we must enjoy every moment that we have here...when I think of all of the children who are suffering and who have yet to LIVE life, I think who am I to complain?

For more information on "Letters To God", please visit