Sunday, February 21, 2010

Memory Lane...

Yesterday I took a trip down memory lane, literally and figuratively. After FINALLY seeing the movie "Precious", which if you haven't seen it...I suggest you do. It was both amazing and disturbing. Above all, It delivered with some of the best performances of the year! Okay, back to my trip down memory lane...We brought our house 3 years ago this month, newly married, pre-cancer and back when l thought I was invincible. There was a house we looked at and came close to buying(in my husbands mind only)...we decided to try and find that house. Don't ask me how but we found it, I guess my memory isn't as bad as I thought it was and the days of blaming chemo brain appear to be over:) I won't go into details, but let's just say this. We are all where we should be in life and there's a reason we didn't settle on that house...what a nightmare that would have been. The one thing i will say is, it's a AMAZING how different a place can change in 3 years. We almost doubled back a few times because things were quite different. We had a lot of "I don't remember that building, that wasn't here" moments.

Keeping in line with revisit the past Saturday, someone how I ended up in a conversation with my BFF about D DAY aka DIAGNOSIS Day...every time I think back to that day it brings back a flood of emotions. But what it also does is keep me grounded and appreciative for all that I have. After Dan(the grim reaper) broke the news, I remember my friend April calling while I was still groggy and out of it, yet I remember telling her it was cancer and asking her if she could she please call Tasha (the BFF I referred to earlier and tell her)...see talking to Tasha would have made the situation so much worst...I knew she wouldn't handle it well and that was something I couldn't deal with at the time. Yesterday we laughed about just how well she didn't handle it and although not funny at the time, it feels good to revisit that time with a much lighter attitude!!!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Running towards the future...sort of

Are you cranky, moody, afraid to place one foot in front of another? Scared to commit to things or events a day away, a week away and let's not even discuss a month away? Do you find yourself using the future of your health as a direct correlation between things that manifest in your life and things that don't? If you've answered yes to any of these questions it confirms that you suffer from "It's Check-up Time, OH PLEASE LET IT BE GOOD NEWS" syndrome. This is how I handle my check-ups. While I'm making tremendous progress in the area of LIVING everyday, the days leading up to my check-up are still a work in progress. For instance, I've been trying to secure something for work that would take my business to the next level...when it didn't come through...I went there. Yes, you know the place of no return. I rationalized the fact that things didn't come through because Mr. Recurrence was waiting for me just around the corner. When will I stop doing that? When will Mr. Recurrence take a hike once and for all?

Even at my appointment yesterday, I couldn't control my blood pressure. I never can. Just getting on the scale stresses me out and to make matters worst...just as I was getting on the scale the lab girl blurts out that my CA125 was 6. Seriously!! Those are the words every woman who's had Ovarian Cancer wants to hear, yet I wasn't ready for them...not knowing whether to laugh or cry...I simple ran up my blood pressure...Unbelievable!!. This my friends is what happens when you leave me alone with my thoughts. They runaway from me. If I'm really lucky, I can catch them before they cause serious bodily harm to me or anyone in my path.

Nothing is promised to any of us, yet those of us with "pre-existing conditions" work hard to put our past behind us and and run towards our future. I'm getting my track shoes on now...

Another check-up down, I'll see you in June!!!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Check-up time-T minus 4 days

It's that time again. You know what time. Check up time. Four months already. These are the quickest four months ever. I went in for my CA125 blood test this week and the wait the begins. The reality of the situation has reared it's ugly head once more. This is especially hard when there are so many great things going on for me right now and so many plans I've set in motion. So much so that my mind won't rest until I know that I'm all clear. Living life in 4-month interval's is not my idea of fun, but it's my hand and I'm dealing.

I plan on asking the good doctor about my port or my socket as Dan calls it (gotta love his humor). I still have it and from what I've been told they are reluctant to take it based on the high recurrence rate of OVCA. Truthfully I think it depends on the doctor and we'll see.

Oh yeah, I'm on weight watchers aka I'm watching my weight:) Apparently I don't know how to stop eating on my own, I needed an WW is now my friend. So far my friend has helped me lose about 6 pounds and what's really awesome is that I only have a bunch more to go!! The program works if you work it!!! I still have a hard time understanding how when most people lose weight during cancer treatments, I managed to gain...gain the equivilent of a small child...UNBELIEVABLE!! One day at a time that's all I can do...that's how I'm living!!!

Friday, February 5, 2010

Jeff Probst remembers 'Survivor: Palau' contestant Jennifer Lyon

I didn't know Jennifer Lyon and I didn't start watching Survivor until after her season, but this is the most beautiful tribute I've ever read. Jenn was a true SURVIVOR in every since of the word. Thank you Jeff Probst for sharing with the world this beautiful lesson.

Jeff Probst remembers 'Survivor: Palau' contestant Jennifer Lyon

Monday, February 1, 2010

Happy Blog-A-Versary to me!!

So this is my 100th post!! Happy blog-A-versary to me!!! I'm so not a diary/journal gal...what I loved most about keeping a diary as a kid was looking at and hiding the shiny gold key it came with...the key to my secret thoughts. Yet, without fail and after one or two half entries, that shiny gold key and the diary it belonged always became a distant memory. This pattern of start-stop-toss was something that I carried for this my friends is my first successful diary experience and I'm ever so grateful for it!!

I named this blog---Journey-A letter 2 Ovarian Cancer, because I started off really angry. I wanted to give ovarian cancer a piece of my mind...I believe I've done just that and I'm sure I will continue to do that and more...yet a year and a half later my letter is a little different.

Dear Ovarian Cancer,

Life before you was AMAZING!! After you entered my world, I thought all was lost and I'm happy to report that life after you is still AMAZING!! Thank you for opening my eyes and making me more aware. Thank you for pushing me to keep moving, maybe a little slower at times...but still moving. Thank you for filling me with anger- anger that I turned into energy- energy that I used to kick your ass!! Thank you for giving me the gift of friends from all around the world and for allowing me to be a VOICE for this not so silent disease. Thank you for showing me that life does go on and it can be good. Thank you for the constant reminder that this too shall pass and that if I can overcome you, I can overcome anything!!! Thank you for teaching me about vanity and appreciating the BEAUTY of a bald head(wash-rub-go), you can't beat it!! Thank you for teaching me to live in the moment and to enjoy every day that we have with the people we love, as tomorrow is not promised.

P.S. I would say thank you for the hot flashes as they truly are fascinating and make having conversations oh so awkward but I'm just not that there yet:) steps people, baby steps!