My house is a mess, I'm a mess(still carrying these 30 extra chemo pounds), I'm completely unorganized and yet things have never been better(health-wise and career-wise). I'm not complaining, I'm venting. Today is the first day in a long time that I've felt beaten up and broken. Today my camouflage comes off and if you don't want to see what's underneath I suggest you stop reading now.
I spend a lot of time and energy working to inspire people dealing with cancer or any critical illness. I want them to see that you can get to the other side and that life does go on. I believe in that. I believe that my journey will help someone else in their journey.
Today I had more quiet time than I've had in a long time and I think my thoughts got the best of me. I'm still angry. I'm angry at cancer. I'm angry for me, for the people who walked before me and for the people who will walk after me. I'm tired. I spend so much time rah rahing and advocating for the greater good that I've almost convinced myself that cancer has been okay. That I am okay with my path. Just to be clear, I'm not okay with...but I understand it. I know that I'm not the only person in the world, dealing with unwanted issues. These feelings don't make me ungrateful, they make me real. Human. Honest.
These feelings make me remember that I'm still broken. And that it's okay to say out loud for the world to hear, CANCER SUCKS!!!! Because it does...
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
In sickness and in health...
I'm proud to say that I don't take anything for granted, especially after my journey with OVCA. Although I've been guilty of it in the past and I may occasionally go there for just a moment in the present...I still believe that I appreciate everything I have and everyone around me.
I was talking to a women yesterday about my battle with cancer. You know how the conversation goes. You try and give them a brief synopsis in an effort to hit all the major bullet points while you still have their attention. A lot of people are afraid of the word "cancer" and whether consciously or unconsciously will check-out of the conversation not long after hearing the word. After chatting for a moment, she asked if I had kids. I said no, unfortunately my husband and I had only been married a year before I was diagnosed. This is where the story gets interesting...
The response I'm use to hearing generally has something to do with "oh I'm so sorry", "well they're plenty of kids out there" and my all time favorite "you can have one of mine". Yesterday's response was a bit different. It went something like "oh, did he leave you?" Wow! I couldn't believe it. Did he leave me? I had a flashing vision of the Doctor entering my room through a revolving door saying, "I'm sorry Kia you have cancer" and watching Dan as he exited through that same revolving door. I have never had one passing thought that Dan would leave me. I'm not naive, I know that marriage takes a lot of work even in the best of times. However, when you say I do, or at least when Dan and I did, we meant every word of it. Of course, I didn't expect to cash in on the in sickness and in health card so soon, but that's what it's there for right? Why else would you say it?
It turns out that the women I was talking to had known a few people who were left standing at the cancer treatment line without their spouse or significant other standing by their side. That had been her experience up until now and all that she had as a point of reference. I jumped at the opportunity to show her a different side of the coin. There are a lot of people hanging in there in the mix of adversity and people should know about them.
I was watching my favorite pastor today(Joel Osteen) while on the treadmill and he said something that really drove the events of my weekend home for me. Everyone is in your life for a reason and a season. God does not promise us that they will be there forever. If they leave, then it was their time to leave. Choose to remember and focus on the positive things and people around you, doing so you can never go wrong.
There are a lot of people out there willing and able to take that walk with you. How can you see them if you never unblock your view?
I was talking to a women yesterday about my battle with cancer. You know how the conversation goes. You try and give them a brief synopsis in an effort to hit all the major bullet points while you still have their attention. A lot of people are afraid of the word "cancer" and whether consciously or unconsciously will check-out of the conversation not long after hearing the word. After chatting for a moment, she asked if I had kids. I said no, unfortunately my husband and I had only been married a year before I was diagnosed. This is where the story gets interesting...
The response I'm use to hearing generally has something to do with "oh I'm so sorry", "well they're plenty of kids out there" and my all time favorite "you can have one of mine". Yesterday's response was a bit different. It went something like "oh, did he leave you?" Wow! I couldn't believe it. Did he leave me? I had a flashing vision of the Doctor entering my room through a revolving door saying, "I'm sorry Kia you have cancer" and watching Dan as he exited through that same revolving door. I have never had one passing thought that Dan would leave me. I'm not naive, I know that marriage takes a lot of work even in the best of times. However, when you say I do, or at least when Dan and I did, we meant every word of it. Of course, I didn't expect to cash in on the in sickness and in health card so soon, but that's what it's there for right? Why else would you say it?
It turns out that the women I was talking to had known a few people who were left standing at the cancer treatment line without their spouse or significant other standing by their side. That had been her experience up until now and all that she had as a point of reference. I jumped at the opportunity to show her a different side of the coin. There are a lot of people hanging in there in the mix of adversity and people should know about them.
I was watching my favorite pastor today(Joel Osteen) while on the treadmill and he said something that really drove the events of my weekend home for me. Everyone is in your life for a reason and a season. God does not promise us that they will be there forever. If they leave, then it was their time to leave. Choose to remember and focus on the positive things and people around you, doing so you can never go wrong.
There are a lot of people out there willing and able to take that walk with you. How can you see them if you never unblock your view?
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Has it really been...a month since my last post??
Health wise, I'm doing great! I've got a bit of a cold right now, but I went to the emergency clinic yesterday and I think we've ruled out swine flu...you may think I'm crazy, but after my diagnosis of OVCA, I don't have too much faith in my once superhero abilities and I know that getting swine flu wouldn't be the strangest thing that's ever happened to me. I just had my port flushed(yep, still walking around with my socket) and next week I go in for my CA125 followed by my 3 month follow-up on June 9th. It's amazing how fast that time rolls around...
I'm busier than I've been in months and it feels good. I still haven't mastered the work/life balance that some people speak so highly of, but I'm getting there.
If you'll indulge me for a minute, I'll give you a little back story as to where I've been before I recap the highlights of where I'm going.
BC(Before Cancer) I was a career women! I lost sight of that girl, but I think we've finally reconnected. I worked as a casting director for the number 1 kids channel in the WORLD...Nickelodeon! I still plug Nick and it's amazing shows whenever I can...after-all Nick is where I learned everything that I know and for that I will be forever grateful. In addition to working on casting for some of the best shows ever, I had the wonderful opportunity to rub shoulders with some of the the biggest celebs in the business.
I made a decision to leave that world behind when I re-connected with my soul-mate. I knew it was time to spread my winds, I just didn't know how far I'd be asked to spread them:) When I arrived in FL in October 06, my plan was to start an acting school through which I would teach kids and teens, with the hopes of maybe identifying a potential star or two and without question, enriching the lives of many. I'd just gotten things up and running in September 07, when the cancer boom landed upon me in October 07.
Between October 07 and now my life's been an open book for any and everyone to take a peek at. I never imagined things would turn out the way they have, just added proof that we're not in control, no matter how much we like to think we are.
Back to me, the present me...things are moving along better than I would have ever anticipated. Once I finally made the decision to put one foot in front of another, the rest was smooth sailing(okay, maybe not smooth...but I was definitely sailing) In addition to my teaching, I've been working as a casting associate on a feature film, entitled "Letters To God".
Letters to God is the story of a 9-year-old boy who writes letters to God during his battle with cancer, and ends up touching countless lives with the power of his faith.
What are the chances that my first gig AC(After Cancer) would be a wonderful story about hope and faith. Words can't describe how incredibly honored and blessed I am to have the opportunity to do work that involves my two passions in life(CANCER and the world of Entertainment). I've said it before and I'll say it again, we are where we should be in life, in this moment and in this time.
I'm busier than I've been in months and it feels good. I still haven't mastered the work/life balance that some people speak so highly of, but I'm getting there.
If you'll indulge me for a minute, I'll give you a little back story as to where I've been before I recap the highlights of where I'm going.
BC(Before Cancer) I was a career women! I lost sight of that girl, but I think we've finally reconnected. I worked as a casting director for the number 1 kids channel in the WORLD...Nickelodeon! I still plug Nick and it's amazing shows whenever I can...after-all Nick is where I learned everything that I know and for that I will be forever grateful. In addition to working on casting for some of the best shows ever, I had the wonderful opportunity to rub shoulders with some of the the biggest celebs in the business.
I made a decision to leave that world behind when I re-connected with my soul-mate. I knew it was time to spread my winds, I just didn't know how far I'd be asked to spread them:) When I arrived in FL in October 06, my plan was to start an acting school through which I would teach kids and teens, with the hopes of maybe identifying a potential star or two and without question, enriching the lives of many. I'd just gotten things up and running in September 07, when the cancer boom landed upon me in October 07.
Between October 07 and now my life's been an open book for any and everyone to take a peek at. I never imagined things would turn out the way they have, just added proof that we're not in control, no matter how much we like to think we are.
Back to me, the present me...things are moving along better than I would have ever anticipated. Once I finally made the decision to put one foot in front of another, the rest was smooth sailing(okay, maybe not smooth...but I was definitely sailing) In addition to my teaching, I've been working as a casting associate on a feature film, entitled "Letters To God".
Letters to God is the story of a 9-year-old boy who writes letters to God during his battle with cancer, and ends up touching countless lives with the power of his faith.
What are the chances that my first gig AC(After Cancer) would be a wonderful story about hope and faith. Words can't describe how incredibly honored and blessed I am to have the opportunity to do work that involves my two passions in life(CANCER and the world of Entertainment). I've said it before and I'll say it again, we are where we should be in life, in this moment and in this time.
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