Thursday, June 17, 2010

My love/hate relationship with Cancer...

So I took an unintentional hiatus and although I didn't plan it, I believe it was suppose to happen. I'm playing a secret game of tug or war with Ovarian Cancer. It's always been a love hate relationship but lately it's been more of a "I'm just going to pretend you don't exist" type of relationship.

I was watching The Celebrity Apprentice a few weeks ago and Sharon Osbourne(Rocker Mom, Wife of Rock-star Ozzy Osbourne and Colon Cancer Survivor) said something that really struck a cord with me. When asked why it was so important for her to win Celebrity Apprentice, she admitted that it was because she felt like she owed a debt that she had to repay. She promised that she would do everything she could to raise awareness and money for Colon Cancer if her life was spared.

There's a big part of me that feels the same way. I feel like I'm not doing my part or pulling my weight in the fight against Ovarian Cancer. I'm losing my zest and that makes me sad.

I just had my 4-month check-up, my CA125 is slightly elevated. At 13 it's well within normal range, my doctor didn't seem on the other hand had a bit of a pit in my stomach and I still do. I went to an outside lab for my blood work instead of getting it done at the hospital where I normally do, so I'm thinking that could have been a factor. Who knows...I go back in 3-months, I choose 3 instead of makes me feel like I've got some control...a rarity with this disease.

I think I have to get back on the wagon, when I was ACTIVELY doing something I definitely felt better. It helped me to make sense of this senseless disease. Without that, I've become increasingly angry and resentful, not a good look at all!


l'optimiste said...

hey - don't beat yourself up!! You don't have to 'actively' do something until the 'thing' appears ;o)

I really identify with Sharon's remark mind does feel like we've been spared. And we have. But I also think that simply living your life to the full, and appreciating everything is also enough. And you certainly do that - we don't have to think about cancer all the time. We don't have to think about surviving it all the time.

All this fundraising I am doing - it's odd, but it does make me forget I had cancer, as 99% of the other women didn't, so we are all simply raising money for's a nice way to feel.

Good result on the CA 125. Well within limits. And it will be back down next time :o) I still have pains in my tummy [the worst lot were due to the adhesions I had released in Jan.]. I think it's normal - and sometimes down to stress. Mine are a LOT better and a lot less lately.

Big hugs Kia - you're doing a great job, so don't worry.

PS: email me anytime ;o)

WhiteStone said...

I'm praying your CA-125 remains low and that the diff lab is the reason for the variation.

I figure I've "helped" in this battle by having been a participant in the GOG-0218 trial. The trial used carbo/taxol/avastin-or-placebo. I received the placebo.

When my CA-125 rose from its low of 39 to a high of 171, I went back on carbo/taxol and this time WITH the real thing - Avastin.

It's keeping me stable. I presume. My CA-125 went back down to 28, its lowest since diagnosis.

I'm 65. Wish I could give you some of my years. And I pray that God will continue to bless you with many, many, many years of healthy living.

WhiteStone said...

Have you been to You can join various forums (I've joined the ovca forum). Members discuss many things there in regards to ovca..I've learned a lot and enjoy the "company" of the other women. Good encouragement there.

Denise said...

Tonight is the Relay for Life. I had orig. wanted to do this but when I couldn't come up with a team by the end of March, I gave up on the idea and lately I just wish I could forget I ever had cancer.

Been wondering where that OVCA forum is.

ce_squared said...

it's okay. i'm in the same spot. i has so much fire right after i went into remission. but a year hence (this date), i've barely got embers. i hope your CA125 remains there or goes down. i'm rooting for you. meantime, i applaud any endeavor you undertake to make yourself feel better. i'm trying to find an avenue as well. take care....

Anonymous said...

Hi Kia. I really appreciate your blog. I was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer at 31 at the end of an infertility work up 4 years ago. I have struggled with the adoption question ever since. Reading your entries has really helped me see someone going through all the ups and downs and issues that I feel too. Thank you for posting these.