Cancer? Is that all anyone can talk about?

On the best of days I'm okay with people knowing or asking questions about my cancer. On the worst of days I'm not and I find it extremely hard to pretend that I am. Last night was one of those days. We went out to meet an old friend and some of her friends none of whom we knew...most times I'll tell you about my cancer before you've had a chance to inquire, giving me ultimate control over the situation...last night wasn't one of those times and the thought of reconnecting with an old friend and meeting new ones consumed me. At times making me remote and distant, leaning towards inflicting displeasure on myself before someone beat me to it. Meeting people whether it be an old or new relationship after cancer, chemo, weight gain, and funky hair can be a bit daunting at times. My self-esteem is really suffering and for me that takes a toll on my normally funny/up-beat personality.

I was relieved to see that after meeting our friend she wasn't one of those people that immediately says, "ooh your hair is so cute" or "wow you picked up a little weight" So I spent the first half hour anticipating those dreaded comments of which I was prepared to smile, nod, and agree all the while wishing that everyone around me would just disappear. Time came and went and still no annoying comments. Our mutual friend then proceeded to talk about herself for the next hour! Finally the world didn't revolve around me and my troubles...I didn't have to talk about how I'm feeling, how I was diagnosed, when will I go back to work, or what I'll do next. I can't remember if she new about the cancer, but I know that if she did, someone did me a big favor by giving her temporary amnesia.

The mind game that cancer plays on you is taxing. It's something that you can't escape, something you have to learn to manuever around. A task that's easier said than done. I know that life will never be carefree for me again, but I'd like to get as close as I can to that feeling. Last night came close. We had a great dinner, scary haunted houses, and some salsa dancing to top the night off. I forgot about my hair, weight, and all that cancer has left me with or without.

Party Time!!

I know it's been a few days, I'm sorry about the delay...for those of you that read this like I use to watch soap opera's...I know that it can be very stressful when your show's been pre-empted:)

On Saturday I had my 35th birthday party!! Before you start shouting birthday wishes, my actual b-day isn't until November 12th. I had my party early to avoid the Thanksgiving rush. So I named my party, Kia's 35 and Alive party!! Although I never believed I wouldn't make it another year, I can't say that the thought didn't cross my mind. I'm also the same person who never thought they'd get cancer at the age of 33.

I'll write more about how I'm feeling about turning 35 on my actual birthday, for now I just wanted you to know that I haven't forgotten about you!! I'll also post pic's from my party as soon as I get some. We had about 50-60 people at our clubhouse, great food, drinks(lot's of drinks) swimming and KARAOKE!!! That was my favorite part...so much fun to see people let loose!

I am so thankful for wonderful friends and family. I thought I'd get through the day without crying, I should have know that was impossible. I had way to much time on my hands while listening to them sing happy birthday, I started thinking about how I may not have seen this birthday and the tears started flying:) The only good thing about crying was that I had already messed up my make-up singing Karaoke...yes another present from menopause...thank you menopause!

Happy Anniversary!!

Tomorrow I celebrate my 2nd wedding anniversary. This has been the best, craziest, and most amazing two years of my life...cancer and all, I wouldn't trade a thing. I am where I am for a reason and that I will not question(at least not today)

My husband has never wavered from the commitment we made on October 22nd 2006. Who knew that "in sickness and in health" would take on such a literal meaning so early in our marriage. Cancer is not something that you sign up for. Being told that your wife has a life threatening illness and will never be able to carry a child is certainly not something you think you'll hear just a year after you say "I DO".

Unfortunately, these were the cards we were dealt, no option to fold, only to play out the hand and play out the hand we did!!Some relationships don't survive the normal wear and tear that a marriage endures, never mind an illness that consumes and invades almost every aspect of your life. I believe we've endured the hardest part of our relationship and we're still smiling, laughing, and grateful for each other!

Love you Sir!!

Breaking out of the Cancer Bubble...

So there's this phenomenon called facebook. For those of you that have never heard of it, it's a social networking site where you can re-connect with any and everybody you've ever come in contact with. Anyone from your best friend in first grade to an old college professor. It's fantastic!!! It took me awhile to submit(I always go kicking and screaming when new technologies come on the scene), but now I'm totally addicted!

My dilemma is this...up until now I think I've been in what I'll call a "cancer bubble"-definition: a closed circle comprised of people who have witnessed/played a major role in your journey. These are the people that have seen you and been with you through your darkest days..your shiniest head...and your many cries of pain.

Leaving the "cancer bubble" is a bit like returning to the workforce after a very long hiatus or entering college with the hopes of leaving high school and everything you were or weren't at the door. How do you re-introduce your self to someone you've known all of your life but haven't seen in 20 years? How do you read about or listen to stories of marriage, children, and careers...when it feels like nothing you did before cancer is relevant? How do you combat that feeling that you're the odd man out, the leader of the pact, the first cancer victim amongst your peers but unfortunately not the last? Peers that you talked with, shared with, and dreamed with.

Another brutal dose of reality for me and for those I encounter I suppose it's a hard look at their own mortality. Kind of sucks for all involved, huh? I'm proud of the way I've handled things. I'm very outspoken and upfront about my illness, I sincerely hope it doesn't make anyone uncomfortable. It's the only way I know how to cope. It's the only way I know how to be me. The me that keeps on ticking no matter what, the me that desperately wants people to be aware of Ovarian Cancer and the sneaky beast that it can be. The me that is proud of how far I've come yet knows how much further I have to go.