Is there a manual for re-entering the world of the living once you've had something like cancer? If so, please share!! My mind is ready to explode, every time I think about moving forward-I revert back to the same question...how the heck did I end up here? This is so not my life. So not the life I imagined...so not the life that anyone imagines.
I have many friends who are experiencing recurrence's of Ovarian Cancer right now. I really don't get it. Ovarian cancer is like an annoying fruit fly. Just when you think you've got them all, here comes another one. I normally have a pretty good outlook when it comes to my situation. I know there are people far worst off than me...but this is a blog and the only way to really appreciate my blog is for me to be truthful and let you in whether things are good--bad--or somewhere in the middle. And right now, things are somewhere in the middle.
I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. I'm tired of worrying about every little ache and pain. I'm tired of people telling me that everything will be okay. I'm tired of watching my friends endure treatment after treatment, surgery after surgery. I'm tired of being afraid that at any moment on any given day, the other shoe will drop. I'm tired of feeling guilty for feeling this way. I'm tired of watching people with perfect lives-the perfect house-the perfect marriage-perfect children-perfect health-and the perfect job.
There's no rhyme or reason to the way I'm feeling today and I'm sure tomorrow will be a better day. For right now, this is where I am...not where I'll stay.
6 comments:
"For right now, this is where I am...not where I'll stay."
That says it all, Kia. Tomorrow is a new day, and you will face it with a renewed sense of purpose I think.
Hang in there.
I spoke with you today and had NO idea you were feeling like this. There is no rhyme or reason why things happen in life. You should NEVER worry about why you feel a certain way.
I am living proof that there is always two sides of looking at life. I understand where you are today and may be again tomorrow, a month, or year from now.
Just deal with the moment and nothing more. Each minute feels like a lifetime when you think about what was and could be.
So I won't end this by saying it will be better, I will leave it as you will survive. Even if surviving today means only crying for 2 hours instead of 3 hours yesterday.
I have about a month of treatment left, and have just started thinking about what happens afterward. I'm reminded by friends that no one is guaranteed anything and we should live in the now, yadda yadda... But somehow this doesn't make me feel any better! I guess we need to somehow make peace with the uncertainty, and do lots of nice things for ourselves when we're feeling down.
Bless you!! Your honesty is so wonderful. We can help our "sisters" that have this stalking disease and those that will be diagnosed in the future so much by letting others know the real fear it is. Often I see women having to carry the burden of being positive so others will feel better. I love your blog.
Patsy
stage IIIC ovca survivor
Kia, I understand...
Pattie
Ovarian cancer 3c
tired?! me too! And for the same reasons. it's totally crushing some days...but, we'll get there eventually - and I agree 100% with the 'tired of being uncomfortable in my own skin' bit too. It's horrible some days, the tiniest thing can set you off into panic mode. What used to be 'just a tummy ache', now becomes a great big crisis. Grr.
But! I'm sure there are NO perfect people. It just seems that way. Everyone has something going on. Some just cover it better than others.
Hope you are feeling more chirpy today babe!
Sx
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