Where to begin...So I received a phone call today from my very best friend in the whole world. I knew this day would come eventually as I'm pretty sure the world didn't stop just because I had cancer. My friend called to tell me that she's pregnant with her first child. A bitter sweet moment for us all...How would you feel is you wanted to scream from the rooftop that your pregnant...yet you're painfully reminded that your joy, this amazing gift has the potential to bring extreme sadness to someone you care deeply for. I think I would have been alright with the news had my friend not tried so hard to break the news gently. "Breaking the news gently" magnified things to the 10th power. It was a brutal reminder that this is an experience that I will never know. An experience that was taken away from me without any warning. An experience that I will always wonder about, a true what if moment.
I'm sure my friend will be reading this entry, as she usually checks in to catch a glimpse of my inner-thoughts...I know for a fact that she will check in as today was a day of joy, elation, sadness, and lost all wrapped in one. I tried my best to explain to my friend that this is just apart of life, my life..my path. I understand her compassion for me and my situation, but I don't ever want anyone to mask their joy or feel sorry for me. I can't speak for all women in my situation, but I can say this for myself without any doubt...the best way to handle me is to be normal. Don't allow me an opportunity to wallow, don't treat me with kit gloves...I won't break. This method will not work for everyone, but for me I think it's the answer.
What I promised my friend is that it's true, I will have my moment's there's no escaping them...but my moment's would come whether she was pregnant or if any other women I encountered in my travels were pregnant. It's part of life. It's part of being a survivor. There are so many things to grateful for, most of all I'm grateful that I'm of sound mind and body and for me that trumps everything.
I love you girl!! God bless you and your wonderful miracle!!
xoxo
5 comments:
Oh Kia - just sending you three million cyber hugs...
xxx
Sometimes people think that they will 'break' us unless they treat us carefully. But I'm with you - treat me normally!
Congratulations to your dear friend! Maybe you could go through this pregnancy 'vicariously' through her (with a bonus of no morning sickness!).
Big hugs Kia.
Yes Nat, I'll be there everystep of the way...I've watched a million...make that a zillion baby shows on TLC...I can probably deliver the baby...if not I'll be the best babysitter ever!!
I have thought about this issue "on your behalf" for quite some time. I wondered what it would be like for you to have friends have children. I m already experiencing the "sadness" of not having my own children yet, so I cannot imagine what it feels like for you.
A couple of years back, a friend of mine got pregnant with her first child. The father was not a part of her life, so I stepped in as the "Baby's Daddy". At the time I was single, approaching 30, and desperately desiring to have a baby. All of my friends around me were getting married and having children. I felt like I had a hole in my heart. There were so many days when I had to accompany her to doctor's appointments and had to mask my own personal disappointment. In the end, I was happy to be able to be around her and her child. Her baby brought more joy to my life than I could have ever expected. I thought about the fact that my health problems could prevent me from ever having my own biological children. But God has supplemented my life with many other little Rugrats to make my life complete.
I took a pregnancy test yesterday, and it came out negative. Although everyone reassured me that it was just "timing", in the back of my head I couldn't help but to wonder if maybe I was destined to never have a child of my own. So for now, we will keep trying. And if I never give birth to a child of my own, I will still be a Mother, and so will you. Its in our genes!
Aww...Evelyne. I love you much! You are a wonderful cousin and I'm so blessed to have you in my life. I know that we are all where we are suppose to be in life, and I am in direct obedience of God's will...
xoxo
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