Moving on after cancer...

For some it's easier said than done. I just came back from my Dr.'s appointment, it was the 8 week follow-up after my hysterectomy. I had blood drawn to check my CA-125 level(a blood test that's used to detect the presence of cancer in your body). Normal range is from 0-35, if that comes back all-clear, I see the Doc in 3 months. Wow, 3 months without worrying if and when the other shoe is going to drop. I've been out of chemo for almost 6 months and although it gets easier to proceed with your everyday life, you can't help but reminded that there is a big fat TEAL elephant in the room. Can we ever really move on?

I will say this...I think about cancer less and less each day. When I was first diagnosed and going through treatment it was all I could think about. Your life and unfortunately the lives of those who care for you become consumed with it. I still think about it, but little by little I find myself planning and looking forward to the future. Getting back to work, becoming the best OVCA advocate I can be, adopting kids...getting on with my wonderful life. But along the way, you can't help but to think about those who have lost their lives to this senseless disease. People you know, many who you don't...but who nonetheless meant the world to someone of this earth. Sometimes you feel guilty. Why were you the chosen one and not them? They call it survivors guilt. Here I am, laughing and joking at the Dr's office, enjoying the taste of yummy food afterwards, and taking in the view of my "new" curly hair when that person you sat next to in chemo is no longer here.

When you're going through treatment you know where you stand. You know how many rounds of chemo you have to have, you know what days you have to have your blood work completed...there's a plan, a schedule, a purpose. A once independent and ambitious person, suddenly finds them self looking for direction, acceptance, and approval. When does it ever feel like cancer was apart of your journey and not something that defines you?